UnNews:Koreans plan to take over Earth

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

28 May 2009

WASHINGTON, D. C. -- The United Nations are currently trying, in vain, to dumb down the nuclear warfare efforts of the North Korean government. The North Koreans have recently set off a test nuke, which succeeded, and now they are threatening to destroy any ships that interfere with their own. The countries currently trying to quell the North Korean efforts are South Korea, The U.S., China, and Russia. It is hard to assume why North Korea is testing nuclear bombs at this time. "I think they just feel threatened is all," said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. "Just some hugs and love and sunshine and ponies and they would be fine."

See that? SEE IT? You don't need to be a genius to see those South Korean bastards deserve to die!

North Korea has not been very friendly to the negotiating countries. "Son-of-a-bastard South Korean goody-goodies," says North Korean administrator Kim Yong-nam. "You live fine. We would all be dead if it weren't for the food those asshole Americans send. We hustle. You don't hustle for charity, you just work and sell. Bums! So swear to god, we're going to blow your asses up!"

Americans are not being very well treated by the Korean public, either. "Apparently, they're pissed off," says VP Joe Biden, in his signature style of speaking. The U.S. government is refusing to send food to North Korea at this time, saying it will be used as an act of negotiation. But a highly placed source says that U.S. governmental motives may be more spiteful then statesmanlike. Apparenlty an email they sent to the North Korean president said: "Haha, take this, assholes!

Obama failed to comment. He was too busy justifying his plan for holding people charged with no crimes for the rest of their lives.

Russia hasn't been given the most hospitable treatment either. President Kim Jong II was quoted as saying, "You know, Russian assholes really get my goat. Their primary import is crack. Their primary export is jokes that they are the butt of. Their heads are bigger than the country itself. Did we say are? we meant 'were', because we're about to make 'em go boom!"

And of course, they didn't forget China. Did you know that "Chinese morons have dicks the size of a ruler and still don't know how to use them?" Neither did I.

I gotta go, Family Feud is on.

Sources

• Staff "Reality has little impact on North Korea" Official North Korean Press, May 28, 2009