UnNews:King Tut had a small penis

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2 July 2010

We knew he was trying to compensate for something when we first saw this tomb.

VALLEY OF THE KINGS, Egypt -- In a recent discovery by scientists lurking in old Egyptian tombs, King Tut's penis, which was admittedly passed over quite a bit during examinations, appeared to be missing from its usual place. His Johnson, originally noted to be worth around $50,000 USD, was initially believed to be stolen for its worth and great value. However, these scientists have concluded that his penis was taken some time ago due to its small size.

"We know this is a great shock to everyone, and we request that you all stay mature in a powerful situation like this," said English scientist Ben Dover in response to some local Egyptian middle schoolers' mixed reactions to the announcement. "We never really paid attention to it—until now that is. It really was quite small."

Why his testicles were so small has sparked debates among many top experts around the world. Earlier this year, scientists discussed what might have caused the death of King Tut at such a young age. Swiss researchers brought up the theory that he possibly had a deadly, yet unknown disease that also made his penis small, but that has been dismissed due to the theory's apparent homosexuality. So what did happened to King Tut and his penis?

Mike Oxlong, Harvard graduate and expert in ancient Egyptian genitalia, claims to have the answer. "The answer is quite simple, really," he says. "If King Tut had a tiny penis, unlike my own, then he probably would've killed himself out of shame in comparison to, say, Ramesses II, who had over 80 children. I mean, there's really no comparing the two. Think of all the hard sex Ramesses must've gotten; almost as much as I have, to conceive all those children. Then look at little Tut, who can't even get a proper erection going. I would've killed myself too if my genitalia was so minuscule. Except, you know, for the obvious fact that it's huge."

Oxlong received a standing ovation and an award for his in-depth analysis, and it has become the most widely accepted theory as to what happened to Tut and his obelisk.