UnNews:Killer UK shark "just a plank of wood or something"

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

31 July 2007

A herring eating some plankton yesterday.

CORNWALL, Scotland -- HYSTERICAL Claims that a killer shark has been spotted off the English coast were dismissed Tuesday as alarmist, just as holidaymakers, complete with their millions of monies, head en masse for the seaside. The scare started after a tourist took pictures of a surfer being "bitten near in two", 200 yards (metres) from the beach near the popular Cornish resort of St. Ives.

The mayor of St Ives, Mr Larry Vaughn, insists that the big fish is, "probably nothing more than a big herring or something."

"Let everyone be assured; there is no killer shark in our waters, incoming tourists can rest assured that our beaches are safe. They can all come and spend their hard earned cash free of the fear of a bloody great shark.'"

Mayor Vaughn added "These townies seem to get hysterical when they see something in the water that isn't a boat. They tend to get their perspectives all wrong and what might look like a surfer being eaten by a Great White shark might, in fact be merely a plank of wood or a herring."

Experts from St Ives have lined up to agree with the Mayor. Local hotelier and self proclaimed shark expert Frank Tellwart added that "this surfer that was "eaten" was probably a plank of wood or even a big cod being eaten by a salmon. I think that its safe for the tourists to come here. There are still rooms vacant in my hotel, priced at just £180 per night (minimum booking of 7 nights)."

"Having now seen the pictures in the paper I can confidently say the most recent sighting is simply a large herring, or even just a plank of wood", Richard Verticule, chairman of the newly formed St Ives Shark-ology Trust and owner of "Dicks Best Fish&Chips!", told Unnews ,"I think its safe for tourists to come and sample the best chips in Cornwall, and at just £2 a portion too!".

Local police man Officer Martin Brody however was a little less assured, quoting a "bombshell" confirmation by "a leading shark hunter known only as Quint" that the beast was definitely a great white, adding: "We are gonna need a bigger boat."

Sources

• sh....sh...shshsh... "sh...sh...SHARK!!!" ohmyf**kinjesusgodsaveme, July 19, 2007