UnNews:Kenyan village overrun by Grues overnight
Monday, March 17, 2025
Provided to you by BBC Africa.
Shocking news coming out of Kenya tonight as the invasive species of Grues have suddenly attacked the small Kenyan village of...uh...wh...Nay-rah-gangrene? The roughly 9,000 inhabitants of the village are entirely missing, presumed eaten by these Grues. Grues are non-native and invasive species here in Kenya, and they've caused over 1.6 million deaths in the Rift Valley region since 1989, when the first Grues arrived here because a retarded Manx bitch thought that Grues could both be pets and be introduced to a completely new ecosystem with no natural predators. These ravenous creatures have also been hunting local species to near-total extinction, and has caused mass evacuations just about every other year. There are now at least 3,000 Grues in Kenya now, more than enough to overrun the whole of the Rift Valley.
The local government has employed the help of the Portugese (also known as autistic Spaniards) to use their incredible autism against the Grue threat. Recent UN meetings have been rarely even mentioning the issue, mostly due to the Trump-aligned American ambassador just saying "shhhh" whenever any African ambassador says anything at all, causing mild international outrage, though this has resulted in a tariff on African Americans that aren't in jail being born because racism. However, the African Union is taking some action against this, enlisting, to American dismay, China's help in eradicating this threat by deploying tamed Malicious Faces and possibly other Hell-originating creatures that only the Devil's best friend, Xi Jinping, can summon and tame.
However, they haven't made a single dent in the Grue population as casualties continue to skyrocket, evacuations increase, and some even leave Kenya forever to spend the rest of their lives anywhere else. There is expected to be no search at all for missing persons in this disaster due to the lethality of Grue attacks. Back to you, Edward.