UnNews:Kaufman Arrested for Heavenly Screw-Up
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
19 May 2007
By Ed Nivek
Heaven- A famed (and deceased) comic was arrested today for creating a heavenly screw-up that led to many dead souls being incorrectly sent to heaven and hell.
Andy Kaufman, who died in 1984 from cancer, was taken into custody today by heavenly authorities (led by St. Peter) for a practical joke he pulled a month ago. The comic, known for his stand-up work and stint as the character Latka on the long-running television series Taxi, snuck into God's office while he was off smiting several non-believers with lightning. Kaufman entered a computer virus into the HAS (Heavenly Allowance System), which determines which souls go to heaven and which are sent to hell. This virus simply switched around the system so that those who were supposed to enter heaven instead wound up in hell and vice versa.
The virus went undetected for a month as roughly ten million souls wound up in the incorrect places. The mixups led to increased violence in heaven due to the vast number of serial killers and rapists who entered (as well as mimes, but they were the victims of angry angels). At first, the heavenly authorities stated the rise was due to the recent firing of Captain St. Paul for using the lord's name in vain after stubbing his toe on a wayward hail stone.
However, it wasn't until the recent death of Jerry Falwell that authorities became suspicious. Upon his entry into heaven, God (who, according to close sources, had decided long ago that Falwell would be sent to the "other place") became worried and ordered an investigation of the HAS by computer technicians. To prevent Falwell from interfering, God, already becoming fed up with the Reverend's actions, made him go stand in a corner of Heaven as a punishment. This investigation led to the discovery of the virus, but it was the document name of the virus ("mightymouse") which led authorities to Kaufman.
This is not the first time that Kaufman's antics had put him in trouble and controversy. During an appearance on the television show Friday's in 1981, the comic became engaged in an on-air scuffle with comedian Michael Richards when Kaufman refused to follow the show's script, which he found to be stupid. It is also rumored that Kaufman whispered to Richards that he was part African American, thus leading to Richards becoming more enraged (though this hasn't been verified). His antics also led to his firing from the show Taxi, as well as his banning from Saturday Night Live by vote of the audience.
"I should've known from that Tony Clifton crap that this was a mistake," St. Peter said shortly after the arrest. "We should've never let him into heaven. We originally just wanted to leave him in limbo, but St. Christopher had to go and convince us that his comic genius meant he should belong in heaven. If I wasn't a better angel, I would...well, let's just say that where I would put his wings, Christopher would have trouble flying."
Authorities are currently working with Satan to clear up the confusion. It's believed they will work to get those incorrectly sent to hell back to heaven, but it's unclear what will be done with the souls incorrectly sent to heaven. Some have already suggested that they be given full citizenship into heaven, while others believe that they have no place beyond the pearly gates and should immediately be sent to their original destination. Even more suggest a compromise where only those who have committed crimes in heaven since arrival would be sent to hell. A joint meeting of the heavenly and satanic counsels is expected to meet beginning tomorrow to suggest the best course of action. So far, the only person expelled from heaven has been Falwell, as, according to St. Peter, "he started to try to tell God how to do his job, such as what he was doing wrong and why he would be a sinner for not inviting Pat Robertson...so he just grabbed [Falwell] and chucked him into the underworld. You NEVER tell God what to do."
Meanwhile, Kaufman awaits trial in a heavenly jail. Kaufman gave no official statement on the matter, but when asked for one, did make multiple sound effects (such as clicks and UFO noises) and say "lordy" over and over for ten straight minutes. If convicted, Kaufman could face a maximum sentence of expulsion from heaven or daily mandatory doses of Ritalin for all eternity.
God had no comment on the matter.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Various "Andy Kaufman" Wikipedia, May, 19, 2007