UnNews:God to Falwell : 'Go stand in corner'

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

17 May 2007

"God tells Jerry which corner of heaven he has to go to for his 'timeout'."

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PEARLY GATES, heaven --- Heaven's newest resident got a lesson in humility today when God the Father Almighty gave him a timeout and told him to "Go stand in the corner." Jerry Falwell, recently deceased and new denizen of the afterworld, has been getting into a lot of trouble since being admitted into New Jerusalem.

"What the hell are we suppossed to do with this guy?" asked the gate keeper, St Peter. "First of all, he's convinced that he's the only one up here. He tried to tip me when I opened the gate for him. He keeps referring to the Virgin Mary as, 'Hey Sweetie' and last night at dinner he started passing gas during the brandy and cigars. It's about time God gave him the smackdown."

Another resident, St Ignacious of the Blessed Moonweed, was even angrier when Falwell was mentioned. '"He treats the Catholics up here like dirt!"', quipped the saint. "I mean, we were here first. We're nice enough to let his Baptist ass come in and he acts like he OWNS the place. Enough is enough."

God the Father could not be reached for comment but his spokemen, the Pope, released this official statement:

"We regret having to discipline Mr. Falwell in any manner, but it is for his own good. We truly want him to get along with everyone in Heaven and enjoy himself. To this end, God decided that the best thing to do was make him stand in the corner for awhile and think about his behavior. After all, if you're going to act childish, this is what is going to happen."

Falwell was decidedly mute concerning the incident and repeatedly refused UnNews' requests for an interview. However, he did release a written statement afterwards which said the following:

"We have deemed it necessary to institute an organization in heaven in order to prove that politics is not the reserve of the few. It is the rite of the many. In this vein, we plan on taking over Heaven in a Democratic way and proving that the American viewpoint is just as valid and just as righteous in Heaven as it is on Earth. We *are* the Morale Majority."

Sources

• Noah Fence "Falwell disciplined, takes morale stance in the corner" Heavenly Times, May, 18, 2007