UnNews:Kamala Harris announced as new Bond girl after signing with CAA
Saturday, February 22, 2025
HOLLYWOOD -- Two weeks after former president Joe Biden was announced as the new James Bond immediately after signing with top talent agency CAA, former vice president (and former presidential candidate) Kamala Harris, another newly-reminted CAA client, has been announced as a Bond girl.
Ali Abassi (The Donald Trump biopic The Apprentice) is no longer in the running for director after he groped several potential Bond girls, which he denies. Abbasi is also strangely denying he ever groped Trump. Trump echoes these denials: "He never touched your ass. It's your ass. We don't talk about my ass. I have a beautiful ass, too beautiful to grope, too beautiful to talk about. Trust me. Like God's true name. Then again, I'm God. I'm a big, beautiful God, bigly. I hope this Bond movie is perfectly fair to my good friend Hannibal Lecter. Whatever. James Bond is overrated. I prefer Austin Powers. Maybe Johnny English. I kind of liked that Mr. Bean."
Abassi is also being drop from CAA,
And in another Bond shocker, Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson are retiring from the long-running 007 franchise and ceding all control to Amazon MGM. Broccoli put out a statement that simply read:
“We should have stopped at Dalton. Even Rocky knew when to quit... almost.”
– Barbara Broccoli
Dalton told UnNews exclusively that he was "shocked" at all the changes being made to the Ian Fleming IP.
"Why are the Broccolis retiring? They have a good thing going. And why in God's name would Jeff Bezos want to work with Biden and Harris? Didn't he spend the whole election trying to destroy them? Is Bezos not trying to ride Trump's duck like all the other big tech oligarchs? And why a bloody American as Bond? If I wanted to watch a yank spy, I'd watch Bourne, thank you very much. God bless you all, but this is a trainwreck."
Daniel Craig was much kinder in his words. "I just have to trust Barbara and Michael, no matter how much I strongly disagree and no matter how white and bloody my knuckles get from gripping my seat, and no matter how high my blood pressure gets at the thought of it all," he said while sweating profusely at Cedars Sinai.
Meghan Markle is no longer in the running to play one of the other Bond girls, as top talent agency WME has dropped her for being "difficult to work with."
"Suits isn't just the name of a show," the agency said in a press release. "She's got a closet that would make a Kardashian jealous! and Harry can never be seen in a simple tank job, open jeans and beer gut."
Neither Biden nor Harris have commented on the casting news, and we're awaiting a statement from Amazon MGM. At last checkup, the writer of the upcoming statement was fired for depicting Bezos bowing down to Trump.
Tuesday, February 25, 2025
Joe Biden and Kamala Harris have released official statements about Harris' casting.
“Wait... I don't remember ever signing up to play James Bond! The hell's going on here? I'd much sooner play Babe Ruth. I can't do a British accent to save my goddamn life. And I met every prime minister since Boris Johnson. He's my favorite lead singer of AC/DC. Bon Scott did "Highway to Hell," but Boris Johnson did "Back in Black" and "You Shook Me All Night Long." "Thunderstruck," Jack! "Thunderstruck!" Who am I again?”
“I am honored to reunite with Joe for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that we totally auditioned for and our agents didn't bribe Amazon MGM. And my check is totally not waiting to be cleared. I may be 60 but I look damn look in a bikini, and I hope you all enjoy it sometime within the next 3-5 years.”
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Katcy Stephan "Kamala Harris signs with CAA" Variety, February 18, 2025
- Alex Ritman "James Bond Shocker: Amazon MGM Gains Creative Control of 007 Franchise as Producers Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson Step Back" Variety, February 20, 2025
- Rebecca Rubin & Alex Ritman "Daniel Craig Reacts to Amazon’s James Bond Takeover: ‘My Respect’ for Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson Remains ‘Undiminished’ (Exclusive)" Variety, February 20, 2025
- Kevin Fraser "Timothy Dalton is “shocked” that Amazon is now in control of the James Bond franchise" JoBlo, February 21, 2025
- Matt Donnelly "‘The Apprentice’ Director Ali Abbasi Dropped by CAA, Management 360 Following Groping Accusation" Variety, February 21, 2025
- Samantha Benitz "Was Meghan Markle Dropped by WME? Agency Denies Reports Amid Claims She’s ‘Too Demanding’" In Touch Weekly, February 25, 2025
