UnNews:Jon Snow asked to rule UK

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Opinion polls show Snow scores highly in the "I'd do him" question, but some critics have accused him of "knowing nothing".

Jon Snow, the bastard son of Ned Stark, has been asked to extend his dominion from The North to the whole of the UK.

Snow's case has been helped by the declaration of Boris Johnson, who said something like: "Good morning chaps, and all that rot. Hot today, what? Well, suffice it to say, without beating around the proverbial bush, I shall get to the nub of the point straight-offs, and inform all of you state-school ragamuffins that I shan't be running for Tory leadership, because I would rather go boating with my second cousin Dolly and her flapper friend Sally, rah, rah, rah! Cheerio!"

Snow has a good history of prospering while insufferably posh blonde men suffered (notably King Joffrey) and was recently made King of the North when a small 10-year-old girl managed to persuade an angry group of soldiers of his credentials.

The UK has been suffering a crisis since Prime Minister David Cameron failed to explain where £350m a week was going, and underestimated how many people in the UK are a little bit racist. A vote for Brexit has led to Cameron's resignation, and calls for Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn to follow suit, despite the fact that neither party has a substantial-looking dark-haired 40-something male as an obvious candidate.

Johnson was initially the bookies' favourite, as a kind of foppish British mirror image of Donald Trump, but after his withdrawal, the country has acted quickly to send a raven to Snow and ask him if he wants to take over.

"What we need now," says chief whip Joanna Corey "is a strong leader to guide us through uncertain times. Is that Michael Gove, who declared himself unable to do the job just a short time ago? Or is it Jon Snow, with his comforting northern brogue, his rugged good looks, and his handy ability to kill people with a big sword?

"The winter is coming. And to be honest, if I get to work with him, I imagine I will be too."

Sources

• Leverage, "Boris Johnson says he will not run for Tory party leadership after Gove challenge – live" Guardian, June 30, 2016