UnNews:Joe Biden's five-point plan to help black people

Saturday, September 14, 2019

Biden showing the exercise he does before typing.

Democratic candidate Joe Biden has given an exclusive interview to UnNews, in which he answers the question, "What responsibility do you think that Americans need to take to repair the legacy of slavery in our country?"

When people ask me about reparations for slavery, my mind automatically drifts to how poor most black people are, and what they need to do to fix that. Here's my five-point plan:

1) You people don't really bring your kids up right. They often end up at school much dumber than other kids, because you don't talk to them. Use your record player to play them some radio - there's usually a knob you have to turn, and radio is often marked as "tuner". NPR is a really useful way to ensure your kids hear big words, and reduces their chances of saying "He working" or "He be studying".

2) A number of blacks underachieve at school. Remember, you don't need to have the best equipment to succeed - just make sure your fountain pen's cartridge is full, and don't sit in the back row. It makes it much harder to see what the teacher has written on the blackboard, especially if he is writing in different color chalk.

3) A lot of you are in prison, so try not to get involved in drugs as either an addict or a drug dealer. Studies have shown that social mobility is severely hindered by constant prison sentences. Try not to fraternize with anyone who listens to be-bop or jazz.

4) Many African Americans have poor access to healthcare, which is something I would like to combat by recommending aspirin, Robitussin, and Vicks VapoRub.

5) A great number of Afro-American blacks have trouble accessing the job market. It may be that at first you don't work in the sector you want - you might have to hustle for it. But while you are working that entry-level job, use the wages you make to sign up for a typing course. If you know how to work a typewriter, you will always get work.

Sources

• Leverage, "What Joe Biden meant to say was..." Vox, September 14, 2019