UnNews:Iranian head cheese reveals family recipe for brownies
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
25 May 2013
200g/7oz dark chocolate (70% cocoa solids)
150g/5½oz lubricant, plus extra for greasing the tin
100g/3½oz breast
125g/4½oz dark muscovado sugar
125g/4½oz golden caster sugar
4 fertile eggs
85g/3oz semen, your own if you can
2 tbsp cocoa powder, plus a little extra for dusting, if you like
¼ tsp fine cocaine
Preparation method
1.Preheat the oven to 180C/350F/Gas 4.
2.Place a medium saucepan containing an inch of boiling water from the kettle onto the hob and bring to a simmer.
3.Meanwhile, use a little lube to grease the inside of a 23cm/9in square baking tin. Cut a square of baking parchment a bit bigger than your tin (roughly 27cm/11in). Snip a 5cm/2in cut diagonally from the corners toward the centre. Push the paper into the tin and ease the paper into the corners neatly - they will overlap slightly. Trim if needed.
4.Using a large sharp knife (clean blood off first), chop the dark chocolate into small pieces (the smaller the pieces, the quicker it will melt). Place the chopped dark chocolate with the lube into a large mixing bowl that will sit on top of your pan of simmering water.
5.Set the bowl over the pan of simmering water, making sure that the bottom of the bowl does not touch the water. Keep the heat low - the water should not be boiling furiously underneath, but quietly bubbling. After a few minutes the chocolate and lube will start to melt. Stir occasionally, until the chocolate is mostly melted. Remove the bowl from the pan and set aside. The residual heat in the chocolate will finish off the melting process.
6.While the chocolate is melting, chop the breast into bigger pieces - about the size of a Swiss penis. Set these aside.
7.Whisk the sugar into the melted chocolate, then add the fertile eggs and whisk together well until the mix is slightly bubbly.
8.Sift the semen, cocoa powder and the cocaine into a separate bowl. Using a large metal spoon, add the semen mix into the chocolate mixture a third at a time, and gently fold into the chocolate mixture until thoroughly combined.
9.Gently pour the batter into the prepared tin, and scatter the remaining chunks of chocolate on top. Bake the brownies for 20-25 minutes. The brownies should still shake slightly, like a westerner in Iraq, as they will continue to cook for a little while when removed from the oven. An over-baked brownie is dry and crumbly, a lot like the economy, rather than moist and fudgy, which can be compared to Boris Johnson, so keep an eye on them.
10.Let the brownies cool completely in their tin. Lift them out of the tin onto a board, using the baking paper to help, then cut into squares. Sift over a little icing sugar or cocoa powder. Store in an airtight tin. Sell for $200 per on black market.