UnNews:Instructional "sex ed" museum to open in Sin City
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
26 May 2007
LAS VEGAS, NV - Inspired by the successes of Play-Doh and Lego, companies that have used their products to make inroads in the multi-million dollar “sex education” business rife in American public schools, starting in preschool and kindergarten and ending with a special prom night ceremony called “fornication,” Las Vegas has opted to open the world’s first instructional “sex ed museum,” Mayor Oscar Goodman announced at a recent press conference.
The museum will let visitors race each other in anthropomorphic “sperm” cars mounted on a roller coaster track that winds, loops, rises, and drops inside various “canals.” There’s the “straight ride,” Goodman told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies and the “gay ride.” The former takes passengers through a tunnel designed to resemble the vagina, the centerpiece of which is a gigantic egg. A computer monitors the vehicles’ progress as they race one another toward the huge ovum, and the fastest sperm is switched onto a section of track that runs through a breakaway portion of the egg, thereby “fertilizing” the ovum, Councilman Larry Brown explained.
Councilwoman Lois Tarkanian, quick to point out that the ride is “an equal opportunity sperminator,” said that anyone, “of either sex and any gender” can seek to inseminate the egg, which, she added, is modeled on one of her own ova. “Providing one of my gametes as a model for the attraction is the least that I could do,” she said. “Las Vegas has been good to me.”
For gay men, lesbians, transsexuals, and others who do not identify themselves with Sin City’s heterosexual community, the museum will also offer an “alternative version” of the ride, in which the sperm cars will race one another to “fecal matter” of the same dimensions as Tarkanian’s ovum. The first to arrive also “impregnates” the “turd,” Brown said.
Goodman, who maintains a close relationship--”sometimes, too close,” according to his wife--has ridden both the straight and the gay versions of the roller coaster and recommends both. “It’s just as thrilling to penetrate the feces as it is to penetrate Tarkanian’s ovum,” he maintained.
As visitors travel through their choice of vagina or rectum, they learn facts about sex. “A talking vagina reminds men to ‘wear a condom if you want to get close to me,” and a speaking penis tells women, “Semen can be hazardous to your health.” “It’s very educational,” Goodman said.
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- Lotta Lies "Sex ed: does it belong in a museum, as Sin City seems to think?" Instant News, 21 seconds ago