UnNews:I got Queen to fap - Cameron
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
The Queen fapped down the phone when told the results to the Scottish referendum, according to Prime Minister David Cameron.
Cameron, speaking off-mic to former New York mayor Michael Bloomberg, claimed that when he called the Queen to say "it's all right", she had "purred down the line. I've never heard someone so happy."
Royal expert James Whittaker told UnNews, "The Queen generally only masturbates on occasions of great symbolic importance, and insists on wearing white gloves. She will have most likely used a spiralling, circular motion to stimulate her clitoris, much in the same way as she waves to the unwashed masses."
Both Downing Street and Buckingham Palace declined to comment on the revelation, with rumours suggesting there was great embarrassment on each side. The gaffe came just hours after Andy Murray revealed that he regretted announcing his intentions to vote for Scottish independence on Twitter.
Murray's excited tweet met with one Twitter user saying he wished the star "had been killed at Dunblane." This prompted Murray to admit in a press conference yesterday, "I expressed an emotion about something political, and this is wrong."
UnNews' resident sociologist Joanna Corey summed it up, saying, "These two have learned an important lesson: while everyone is entitled to have an opinion about Scottish independence, no one is allowed to demonstrate any sense of passion about it either way."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Leverage, "Queen purred over Scotland result, says David Cameron" BBC, September 24 2014
