UnNews:I've got a hangover
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
7 July 2009
PLYMOUTH, England It's not funny either, it's quite painful, especially when I turn my head towards the left. I guess I should stop doing that, however the pain is somewhat inviting, it sobers me up for a couple of seconds before I drift back into the surreal world of hangover land. I have a water bottle conveniently placed on my bedside table which I feel the need to take sips from every five minutes or so when I return from an unconscious state.
I'm not even sure if I've been asleep to be honest. I feel knackered and the heaviness of all six of my limbs suggests that I've in fact been dipped in tar which has seeped into my body through the process of Osmosis in the past couple of hours. My head is the heaviest part of my body though and the only relief it gives me is when my head swings down and to the right. projecting a mediocre lump of vomit into my bin which is placed to the right of wherever I am sitting. My eyes are heavy too, I think this is a symptom of being an emotional drunk, meaning that whenever I am drunk I feel the need to justify my drinking the nearest vulnerable looking person in the hope that they'll open their hearts and let me in. I have to admit it is a good tactic for getting intimacy out of a person. A certain amount of crying can lead to a hug and even more can lead to an offer of a place to stay for the night and a space in their bed.
This is usually a good thing, however I think the person I opened up to was my sister and so I'm worried about any actions that may have taken place in between my drinking and waking up. I woke up in my bed though which is a good sign, however seeing as my bedroom is about four feet from my sisters it is a possible crime scene. Plus, I know my bed to be extremely comfortable and inviting and so my powers of persuasion could have worked. I'm worried now, it's hard to think that my sister could resist a pot bellied, slurring, red faced twenty year old alcoholic especially since that's what she has requested on her OkCupid page.
I went downstairs about five minutes ago and found my parents to be home from work, my sister was nowhere to be seen so she's either topped herself or taken refuge in her bedroom in case of further attacks. Their attitude towards my drunken state didn't seem at all out of the ordinary, just the comments about me being 'delicate' and the purposefully loud talking - all the usual torture methods. I'm assuming therefore that if anything happened between my sister and myself that they are unaware of it, on the other hand they could be surprisingly accepting of the subject if it happened and if my sister told them. You never know, I could have unlocked some secret taboo that my family has always celebrated.
I sincerely hope I'm wrong in thinking this, I'm far too busy to accommodate such a lifestyle, plus right now I'm too sore to be attractive or prepared for any rapid movements.
I found some Nurofen, or whatever it's called, that paracetamol thing that seems to work wonders. I took a couple of tablets but I'm not entirely sure if that was a good idea. Although I have theoretically emptied my stomach, if I puke in the next few minutes my attempts at salvaging any part of my brain will have been in vain. As long as I don't eat I should be fine and seeing as my parents announced we had curry for dinner I'm sure I'll be able to resist. For all I know it's just the meals I've eaten over the past 24 hours regurgitated and served up once again, it certainly looks like it.
I can only assume that this is a result of drinking a girly drink. Whereas my usual beverage would be Guinness I felt the need to opt for Vodka and OJ a rather delicate cocktail. Well I'm more than prepared for next time, but for now I must retire to bed to sweat out the last of the ethanol.
