UnNews:Hugo Chavez compares President to the Devil

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

22 September 2006

President Hugo Montenegro says this kitten is too cute, but we respectfully disagree. It's just cute enough!

New York, New York -- In the United Nations (a Spike Lee Joint) Venezuelan Leader Hugo Moosentango was seen comparing two monkeys with a set of sparkplugs to a cat with a happy face. He was having trouble deciding between a Happy Go Lucky armchair edition of the Lost Dutchman Mine (President George Bush, for instance), and a splinter in his tender anus.

Satan was fortunately on hand to decide for him, and he chose the kitten instead of the monkeys, because kittens neatly bury their poop in a box of sand, while monkeys are known to throw it about, creating all kinds of a mess, but particularly a stinky mess.

When asked about what kind of hat a president should wear, Hugo responded, “The hegemonic intentions of the imperialistic power are a threat to the world," which many listeners took to mean "fedora." After a brief stroke, Chavez then announced that "President Bush is the devil! Why am I left with all of this cheese!" and "I have a tattoo on my spleen, that's why I can't show it to you!"

At the podium Hugo held up the kitten for all to see. When asked about what the kitten will eat, Chavez said, "We cannot allow world dictatorship to be consolidated, therefore, I will probably feed her Tender Vittles." Chavez was apparently unaware that the Devil owns and operates the Tender Vittles processing plant.

Chavez ended up huffing the kitten, however when asked about the customer service experience Chavez received at United Nations, he responded, "Let's be honest. The UN is worthless as an international law body, but it does have a very nice slide miter saw appendage farming comet ice cube up its colon."

Sources

• Johann Sebastian Bobbleheadwick "How to tell a mango is ripe" The Boston Globe, September 22, 2006