UnNews:Hillbilly first man to touch rainbow

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Saturday, June 1, 2024

A portrait of Billy Bob and his family. If you're wondering, yes, they did commit incest. What else would you think?

Just a few minutes ago, 79-year old West Virginian hillbilly Billy Bob Stewart, affectionately known by his two sisters as Husband Billy Bob, has just became the first man to touch a rainbow. Ever since he was born in a coal mine in 1945, he had always wanted to do this incredible feat, but due to being in permanent servitude to Big Coal at the time, this dream would not materialize. Despite that, when he was drafted in the army in 1965 for Vietnam, he would get his first chance, seeing a rainbow deep into Vietcong territory.

As his fellow soldiers and even his general wanted to get rid of him fast[1], they decided to kick him out of camp and let the Vietcong finish him off. Here, he was very close at touching the rainbow when ten Vietcong soldiers jumped out of some nearby trees and ambushed him. He fled and accidentally set a trap, causing the soldiers to die. When Billy Bob went back to the rainbow, it had disappeared.

Saddened, Billy Bob would continue fighting until 1975, when South Vietnam fell and the United States ceased fighting. Now in an unfamiliar world with disco, LSD, and some black kids who's dad he knew, Billy Bob bought a farm in Western Oklahoma with his feeble veteran funds and didn't contact civilization for years. That was until we at UnNews tracked him down a week ago and convinced him to follow his dream.

Finding a rainbow was tough. When we asked if he could settle for pride flags, he ranted about some preachers who approached him a few months ago and told him that LFBTQ people are the spawn of Satan. We kept going to areas where rainbows usually spawn, but something bad always happened and he couldn't touch it in time. Finally, just a few hours ago, a particularly large rainbow appeared right of Billy Bob, and he finally touched it, succeeding in his life goal.

  1. An earlier interview has revealed that Billy Bob was primarily a pest during his army time, and the last straw was being the only one foolish enough to call the general Mr. Coalman several times, a derogatory hillbilly slur