UnNews:Grue No Longer Endangered, but Endangering

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

27 July 2006

Though considered far from numerous, grues face no immediate threat of extinction.

WASHINGDOWN (AP) -- The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service announced today that after an extensive multi-disciplinary study, the deadly grue has been removed from the Endangered Species List and placed on the Endangering Species List.

The decision to move the grue from the Endangered to Endangering list came after the new study revealed that because grues are rarely seen, no one is exactly sure what the total grue population is, and while the known grue population is around 3 dozen, no one has ever discovered a dead grue or a baby grue. Most grue experts claim that grues may live for several decades, however, the real natural lifespan of a grue may be much longer.

According to USFWS spokesperson, Dr. Winifred Green, "As far as we know, grues have no natural predator enemies and human attempts to destroy the grue have proven completely useless, often ending in a bloody, grisly death. All the available data indicates that the grue population is in no danger of shrinking or disappearing, so there's no compelling reason to keep the grue on the Endangered Species List."

The grue's addition to the Endangering Species List confirms centuries of reports of grues mutilating and devouring all kinds of other creatures, kittens and humans, in particular. Grues not only eat for food, but apparently kill for the sheer pleasure they derive from the carnage.

"These are some seriously dangerous motherfuckers," noted Green. "If you encounter one, you're already dead."

Sources

• Anonymous "Grues in the News" Quarterly U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Newsletter, July 27, 2006

• Barry Weinstein "Who Slew Anti Grue?" Newsweek Magazine, July 26, 2006