UnNews:Gnomes Drive Man Crazy
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
May 25, 2009
Des Moines, Iowa - Being small, jolly decorations for one's yard, garden gnomes are typically considered "happy little fellows" and "cool blokes". However, one Iowa man opposes these statements with all of his ability.
"The gnomes aren't 'our friends', they're cold-blooded killers! Just look at them!" said John Smith, a loyal taxi driver. "Can't you see it? Can't you see the look in their eyes?" exclaimed John. He lives in a small Iowa home across the street of gnome fanatics. Whenever he looks out the window of his quaint home, he sees the little statues across in his neighbor's yard. Every time he looks, his fury increases.
Everyday he goes outside and throws rocks at the gnomes, but luckily for his neighbors, his aim is about as good as a drunk man's aim. "Damn you! DAMN YOU TO HELL!" he constantly exclaims to the small models. Once, at the beginning of his tantrum, he brought out his shotgun, and accidentally shot the paper boy and one squirrel. None of the gnomes were harmed. From that point on, the neighbors phoned the police. "He's a maniac, I tell you. A damned maniac." said one neighbor. "Probably all of the apple juice," said another. "I agree. You knows what the apple juice does people." agreed the first.
Soon, the neighbors and family of John concluded that a doctor should be consulted. They called one up, but it wasn't a real one, it was one of those alley ones. "Same thing," said John's mother, "He'll get the job done." At first the doctor could not come to a conclusion. Then he said "Ah, screw it, this bloke is INSANE. Ship him off to the loony bin, why don't ya?"
The family agreed, and that night they sent John to the local assylum. As he was being dragged ino the van, he yelled, "They want my flesh! They want you're flesh! We're all doomed! They will take over the world one day!" As he said this, everyone laughed, and then went back to their game of Strip Scrabble.
Later that night, the gnomes killed everyone in the neighborhood with sporks and shovels. "It's a bloody shame," said one officer.