UnNews:Former Israeli PM Sharon near death

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

25 July 2006

TEL HASHOMER, Israel: Former Israel Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's health continues to deteriorate today, as funeral preparations are underway. In accordance with Ariel's last will, his body with be posthumously launched from a cannon into Lebanon, hopefully striking members of Hezbollah and killing them.

The cause of Ariel Sharon's stroke in early 2006.

Sharon, who made this request weeks before going into a deep coma state, had no comment when UnNews reporters questioned him this afternoon about his condition and his request to have his body be shot from a cannon.

According to Ariel's family, the folks at Sheba Medical Center have run out of a Kosher "mushy stuff" to put through Ariel's feeding tube, and are now feeding him large cuts of meat, which he has reportedly had some trouble swallowing.

Aside from that, the funeral is scheduled to be private to hopefully prevent attacks at the ceremony. However, the people of Israel are placing bets on when Sharon will die, with guesses predicting his exact time of death down to the second (the most popular bet seems to predict July 30th as Sharon's day of death).

An Israeli man who defines himself as an optimist had this to say:

"Sharon? Oh yeah, he's a goner."

As a result of Sharon's ailing health, gas prices went up today by 0.9%.

Sources

• REUTERS "Sharon's Health Worsens; Cannons Ready" New York Times, July 24, 2006