UnNews:Flaming flatulence rocks military
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24 July 2007
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CAMP PENDELTON, CA.--24 members of the United States Navy were admitted to Camp Pendelton Naval [[]]Hospital with first, second, and third and fifth degree burns over their bodies. The injuries stemmed from a condition known as "Explosive Flatulence" and is caused by a build up of Escherichia Coli (an inter-colonic bacteria) metabolism gases. This problem continues to plague an already trouble-ridden Navy.
Sources deep within the Navy reveal that between 2002-2004, 197 cases of flagrant flaming flatulism occurred. Triage experts were called in to assist a Hamburg, [[]]Germany incident in which the 6 members of the 43rd. Mobile Mounted Range Manager Battalion and 3 attractive young ladies were charred following an all-you-can-eat bratwurst buffet at a late night "Socken-und-Hoppen Dance".
In Kabul, Nocomebackistan, [[]]Sniper Team Six (which officially does not exist) members were not spotted by enemy combatants but were smelled by enemy combatants. Insurgents lobbed incendiary devices at troops resulting in severe burns to the rectum areas of Sniper Team 6 (which officially does not exist). The troops were captured and then released once it was determined that they officially, did not exist.
In Brrr, Alaska, Navy Crewmen retrieving a stranded pregnant walrus were overcome by flames emulating from her bloated intestines. 1st. Mariner Scully Doohickey described the incident to local reporters: "We pulled her on board with the utility crane and lowered her to the deck. As the Bosun's Mate, by the way, what's a bosun? Anyways, as the Bosun's Mate approached the mama Walrus she let loose with this flame that shot out of her buttocks! I mean, it must have been 30' long! It took out the life raft, a coil of rope had to be dumped, and we also lost one of those round bumper guard things we always hang over the side and forget to pull up except this time we didn't-too bad huh? I got burned on my right side and had to go to the Infirmary for medical treatment and ice cream sandwiches."
Navy Scientists have teamed up with Navy Proctologists in an attempt to identify probable causes and implement preventative measures. Navy Cooks have teamed up with other Navy Cooks because that's ust who they team up with, to implement strap-on alarmed barbeque apparatuses. Navy Firemen have teamed up with Navy Choreographers, because that's just who they are attracted to, to enjoy the BBQ & flaming dinner show. The general public is invited to join in on the festivities, check with your local Navy Shore Command or Fandango for schedules and showtimes.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- "Navy Flatulence Problem". San Diego Sentimental, July 24, 2007