UnNews:Final death toll from Oscars
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
15 March 2010
Hollywood, Los Angeles, California- For years the Oscars as been a time of celebration among actors and fans of such movies as Forrest Gump, Titanic and Return of the King. But after last Years upset over the film Slumdog Millionaire, a relatively unknown film that somehow won every Oscar of the evening and somehow beating The Dark Knight in the Best Picture category, most of Hollywood had hoped this year would fair better. Unfortunately the evening of the 82nd Academy Awards went from bad to worse. Hostilities first began during the In Memoriam tribute ended with a tribute to Gene Simmons when the audience was shocked that actress Farrah Fawcett did not make the cut. The final Nail in the coffin was when the announcement of the Best Picture Winner came. The audience was shocked to learn that The Hurt Locker, yet another relatively unknown film, had somehow beat out James Cameron's Avatar. Violence broke out immediately.
Among early reports of the 5,000 attendances an estimated 300 were killed in the opening moments of the fight. Actor Jeff Bridges was confirmed to be one of the early casualties after actor Keanu Reeves bashed him in the head with a fallen Oscar. The fighting broke up around midnight when over 200 attendees were captured by police. All 17 members of the Council of Academy Awards were found dead in a room behind the main theater, apparently having all been strangled to death by child actors like Dakota Fanning.
After a week of investigation and searches among the bloody mess that was once the Kodak Theater, it is estimated that off the 5000 attendees, Workers, Paparazzi, and civilians who were around the theater that night, 2416 of them were killed in the man slaughter. Actors who were killed included but not limited to Jeff Bridges , Kathy Ireland, Nicole Richie, Jennifer Lopez, Joel Madden, Demi Moore, Taylor Lautner, Robert Pattinson, Tyler Perry and countless others. An Official list is said to be released at the end of the week. Actors wanted for questioning, and suspected of murder include Dakota Fanning, Bill Murray, William Shatner, and Tobey Maguire. Keanu Reeves is still at large and has been added to the Most wanted List. The Oscar used to kill Mr. Bridges is currently on sale on Ebay.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Neil Goldman "Massacre at the Oscars" Quahog High School paper, March 8, 2010
- Frank Topper "Oscar Death Toll Reaches 1000" Los Angeles Apocalypses Newspaper, March 12, 2010
- Obama Say Lawn "Keanu Reeves responsible for Bridges" New York Times, march 14, 2010