UnNews:Fidel Castro dead, vows to continue as Cuban president

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

16 January 2007

The late Fidel Castro vows economic reform in Cuba.

HAVANA, Cuba -- Despite having died early Tuesday morning at his home, Fidel Castro announced today that he will continue as president of Cuba, working to build a Communist paradise for workers, free from bourgeois enslavement.

Castro, still showing obvious signs of his recent demise, appeared on state-run television to provide the Cuban people with a rough 198-point outline of his plans to renovate and reinvigorate the Cuban economy, which has essentially been in the shitter for the last half-century, and certainly since the fall of the Soviet Union.

The late presidente vowed that he would not let his recent health problems and death deter him from his mission to create a model Communist state.

Some political observers were quick to point out that citizens and home armies are generally unwilling to follow the orders of a dead commander, although many pointed to Castro's resolve in both overcoming his own death, and maintaining Cuba as a Communist country for nearly 50 years as evidence that it may be too soon to count him out.

Cuban expatriates in Florida were quick to celebrate Castro's death, but were also disappointed that he refused to give up his Cuban dictatorship.

"I suppose we'll have to wait until he actually rots away to nothing," said a 75-year-old Cuban man living in Miami Beach.

Sources

• Earnest P. Whorl "Zombie el Presidente?" The Daily Rotter, January 16, 2007