UnNews:Documentary proof of rejected 13th Apostle discovered

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3 June 2010

The last living Brother of the Order of Shouting Thomas, Garrett Morris (left).

SAFED, Israel -- Recent discoveries at an archaeological site 3 kilometers outside of this ancient Hebrew city bolster the argument for the existence of an apocryphal thirteenth near-Apostle of Jesus called Shouting Thomas.

This fere Apostolus or "almost-Apostle" picked up his nickname due to his annoying tendency to shout almost constantly. Sadly, the reason for this, his near-complete deafness, was not discovered until after Jesus and the other apostle Thomas tricked him into moving to Damascus "for the weather; find a nice place and we'll be along when you're settled."

His constant shouting made Thomas the thirteenth and most annoying member of Jesus' entourage, and most likely held him back from promotion to full Apostleship. Like Mary Magdelene, who for centuries was thought to be a low-class prostitute, Shouting Thomas suffered in reputation, and is only discussed on the day of the Feast of Shouting Thomas. On this day, Catholics regale one another with the escapades, hi-jinx, and faux passes supposedly committed by the near-saint.

The writings, found at a secret dig, have been dated to the late first century, and document Thomas's travels from Nazareth to Jerusalem. Full translation of the find awaits the arrival of additional experts, as it seems to be written in Braille.