UnNews:Did the Time Warp wreck Canadian's Pope chances?

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

14 March 2013

The Vatican is abuzz with rumors that Canadian bishop Marc Ouellet was set to be named Pope, but that the offer was withdrawn when he presented senior cardinals with a copy of his inaugural speech, which consisted solely of a mass-rendition of Rocky Horror Picture Show classic The Time Warp.

A source close to Ouellet said he was "devastated" by the withdrawal. "They had told him he was a shoe-in, they really liked the idea of an English speaking Pope, and that he comes from the most litigious part of the world, because any child abuse victims would almost certainly have sued him by now had he been up to any naughty business.

Officially, the cardinals let the white smoke up as soon as they have made their decision, but in reality they're apparently a bit more cautious. "They told Marc they had chosen him but asked for a copy of his first speech. When he gave them it, they freaked out. He tried to explain that it was just a jump to the left and then a step to the right, but I think it was the pelvic thrust which really drove them, if you'll forgive me, ins-a-a-a-a-ne."

Publicly the Vatican is not commenting on the speculation, but one insider told UnNews: "As the Catholic church, we can't be seen to be in another dimension with voyeuristic intention. It's a very dangerous game to play, leading everyone into the Time Warp. With a bit of a mind flip, you're into a time slip, and nothing can ever be the same."

"Having said that, part of me did want to see ten thousand people in St Peter's Square all doing it at the same time."