UnNews:Dickless cunts choose Doctor fucking Who
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
5 August 2013
The BBC has announced that foul-mouthed Scottish actor Peter Capaldi has been chosen as the new Doctor Who.
At a press conference, Capaldi said sarcastically, "Oh yeah, it's a right fucking honour to be chosen for this most fucking illustrious of roles, played by some absolute legendary cunt-shites like Paul McGann and Sylvester fucking McCoy. He was about as much good as a minge in a gay club."
When asked about whether he was concerned about how Who fans might react, the In the Loop actor replied, "I am fully prepared for my fucking share of fucking cunt-twattery to begin with, from those fucking bunch of shagless wonders who watch this shite. They'll probably come at me with fucking man-size tissues fortified with fucking joyless fucking spurts of cum. But I'll win 'em over, by the end of the series, you fucking watch, they'll be pushing each other out the way to tongue my sweaty baw-bag."
Capaldi was also forthcoming about his opinion on his assistant, Jenna-Louise Coleman. "Typical fucking BBC left-wing regionalist wank. Round here it's all fucking closet-homosexual fucking RADA-educated public schoolboys who all die aged 45 with a fucking tangerine in their mouth wearing a pair of stockings, or fucking token, council-house-born-and-bred-common-as-muck-give-you-a-hand-job-for-a-fiver Northern cud buckets."
The 55-year-old finally turned his attention on the assembled press, saying, in an utterly terrifying tone of voice, "If any of you fucking media studies-graduate fuckwits tries to take a fucking shit on me any time soon, I will personally get the biggest, fucking blackest gay man I know to shove his cock so far up your fucking arses that'll it be bigger on the inside than the fucking TARDIS, and you'll fucking taste cum every time you fucking burp. Got it?"
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Leverage, "Doctor Who: Peter Capaldi revealed as 12th Doctor" BBC, August 4th, 2013
- Pete Nottage "Malcolm Tucker is Dr. Who" The Tube, August 4th, 2013