UnNews:Craig: "I did not have sex with that man!"

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
UnNews Logo Potato.png
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.

31 August 2007

(UnNews Audio) (file info)
Listen to this story!


According to Bill Clinton’s definition of the term, Sen. Craig says, he “did not have sex with that man“ (the gay vice officer who arrested him)

BOYS BOISE - Lavatory Lothario Larry Craig has categorically denied that he is homosexual, despite having been caught red-handed, as it were, soliciting a gay undercover police officer in a San Franciscotoilet for queers.” According to the officer, “Craig says he’s not gay, but I know a queer when I see one. As a faggot myself, I’m equipped with gaydar.”

According to the officer, the U. S. senator from Idaho was “groping for more than potatoes” when he put his hand under the partition separating his stall from his “intended’s.” “It was a signal,” the officer charged. “As one who’s given it many times myself, there’s no mistaking what the senator meant to convey.”

Since the arrest became pubic public, the senator has protested, ad infinitum, insisting, “I am not gay. I have never been gay. I will never be gay. I don’t know anyone who is gay. I don’t even know what the word ‘gay’ means, unless it’s ‘happy.’”

“He was happy all right,” the officer maintains, “trying to grope me, until I flashed him my badge instead of my c***.”

Groping a police officer, even if he is gay, is considered a heinous crime, worthy of the death penalty. Many police officers, in fact, have executed such perpetrators on the spot, without benefit of a trial. Because Craig is a U. S. senator, however, favoritism was shown toward him, and he was allowed to cop a feel lesser plea. His arrest record shows he confessed to “disorderly conduct.”

Normally, anal fisting, especially when it is against one sex partner’s will, is considered a grave crime, even in the gay community, the officer admitted, “but not in Craig’s case.”

The senator, who married shortly before addressing reporters concerning the crime, so he could have his “wife” stand beside him, maintained, as he continues to do, “I am heterosexual.”

According to his bride, the senator “acquitted himself well in the bedroom during their fifteen-minute honeymoon,” after cloistering himself in their hotel suite’s bathroom with Viagra and a collection of “men’s magazines.”

“Like Playboy?” she was asked.

“No, men’s magazines,” she stressed.

Idaho voters must determine whether to reelect Craig, but chances seem slim, pundits say.

Asked whether he believes that he will be voted back into office, Craig said merely, “I am hetero all the way; I am not, nor was I, ever, gay.”

Source[edit | edit source]