UnNews:Crack Found in Foam on Space Shuttle
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
3 July 2006
|
UnNews Audio (file info) |
| Listen to this story! |
HELSINKI, Austria -- A victory in the "War on Drugs" was declared by the Drug Enforcement Agency yesterday when agents scored the largest ever seizure of crack cocaine from an orbital vehicle. Just minutes before the Space Shuttle Discovery was scheduled to launch, DEA and Homeland Security agents stormed the launch pad and control center with warrants in hand. German astronaut Thomas Reiter, ostensibly aboard as a passenger bound for the International Space Station, was discovered to have smuggled 8 kilograms of premium Mexican Black and an astonishing 59 kilos of crack cocaine, by hollowing out his scrotum and stashing the drugs in it.
"We all just thought he had a big pair, you know? I mean, some men are, well, just deformed, and we didn't want to embarrass the poor guy, asking him if we could Xray his balls, you know?" ,said NASA Administrator Michael Griffin. Reiter was flippant with the arresting officers. Confident his drugs would never be found because he managed to flush them down the WCS (Waste Control System) before being cuffed, he smiled and stuck his tongue out at reporters on his way to a squad car. Reiter was visibly shaken, however, when he was told the WCS does not eject solid matter, but stores it for later examination by NASA scientists.
DEA Deputy Administrator Michele Leonhart had this to say: "We were lucky they didn't try to get away. If they had made it into space, it would have been weeks until the next available launch window. By that time they could have sold all the evidence."
Another option is in the works at the offices of NASA's new Coast Guard detachment. Two shuttles are being upgraded with more powerful engines to catch rogue spacecraft. "The whole thing is very hush-hush," said Marion LaNasa Jr., a spokesman for Lockheed Martin Space Systems. "All I can say is, we've stocked her with weapons and she's built for speed."
Mexican cartels have been stockpiling all manner of drugs on the International Space Station in anticipation of a boom in space tourism. What this means for the future of NASA, jokingly called the "Narcotics and Space Administration" by drug dealers, is still unknown.
