UnNews:Church body parts scandal, secret Eucharist shame revealed
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
17 June 2006
LONDON (Reuters) -- The new Trade Descriptions Act proposed by the Food Standards Agency a month ago came into force today. In a bizarre twist of fate this has had a profound effect on the ancient Catholic ritual of Mass. From today onward, when worshippers are offered the “Body of Christ”, Priests will be legally required to specify which body part they’re being given. “I think it’s about time” one man told us “I’ve just found out they’ve been giving me the right buttock of Christ, for four years! It’s the hairy one as well”.
The Church defended their practice of issuing random body parts to Catholics, some of whom are children, describing it as “A harmless lucky dip” However others believe the ritual to be more sinister.
Human rights groups claim that the new laws do not go far enough “Eating the body and blood of Christ is technically cannibalism.” Says Audrey Winchester from Amnesty International. “We call on the government to ban this barbaric practice, in order to end the exploitation of Mr Christ at the hands of the church.” However the Vatican responded with the startling claim that Mr Christ actually enjoys being dismembered “He likes it.” One bishop said “He told me himself.” The Vatican has rejected calls to replace the Eucharist with a vegetarian alternative describing the whole idea as “fascist.” Some experts are concerned about the psychological impact of being frequently dismembered on Mr Christ’s psyche “It could result in him developing a god complex” one psychologist claimed.
We were shown samples of the new labelled Eucharist. Which are marked with labels such as “The left shin of Christ” “the right rib of Christ” and “The immaculate testicles of our lord.” One elderly priest was particularly upset at the new changes. Between sobs he stated that “It takes all the fun out of it.” The fat and salt content of the body parts will also have to be clearly labelled because of fears that the Eucharist may be a cause of childhood obesity.
The fact that the church did not introduce these measures voluntarily has fuelled rampant speculation that it has been holding back the best body parts for itself, fuelling an ongoing trade in illegal organs. However a spokesman from the Vatican today denied that this was the case. “These claims are ludicrous; if we want organs we can just go to South America and buy them. We don’t need to steal the saviour’s kidneys. There are plenty of kidneys out there for all of us, all of us with money.”
Under the new laws the catholic faithful will also have the right to request tests on the “Blood of Christ” in order to screen for sexually transmitted diseases such as AIDS. This has provoked outrage from Christian fundamentalists who insist that Christ is “No longer infected” and that “It was all sorted out at Lourdes months ago.” However the government responded by stating that “These measures were brought in for the protection of the public, as Mr Christ continues to recklessly expose himself to the risk of infection, through his refusal to use contraceptives.” Many Catholics have supported Jesus’ claims that blood tests would constitute an “Invasion of privacy” and hundreds of messages of sympathy and support have been arriving at his Kensington apartment.
However the Government is unsympathetic towards Mr Christ. “I think it’s a basic human right” replied Angus Peebles Minister for moral superiority. “We have to know if people are diseased, how else can we avoid them?” The government has also pointed out that the church seems unwilling or unable to give exact figures on the number of body parts it has distributed over the years. Our source within the Vatican revealed that “Often Priests don’t know which body parts they’re giving out.” Ministers expressed concern and described these claims as “Worrying”
In another unexpected twist the director of public prosecutions Lord Worthington-Hastings today hinted that there is also the possibility of legal action against the church, as it does not appear to posses the correct permits required for the storage, transportation and consumption of organs.
The Roman Catholic Church continues to protest violently against these developments, and insists that it has “Nothing to hide.”