UnNews:Chelsea Tractors to be shot down on Albert Bridge

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

28 July 2006

The pictoresque Albert Bridge threatens to become a killing field

LONDON, ENGLAND A famous feat of Victorian engineering is underthreat from a modern day menace, the hated Chelsea Tractor, sometimes called SUVs by people with no grasp of the English language. The putrid snobbery and huge egos belonging to the drivers of these 15 tonne Idiot Tanks, the much lamented blights of modern city living, have been weighing down the delicate venerable old bridge.

Although HGVs and all other vehicles that weigh over two tonnes are banned from the bridge, Chelsea Tractor drivers have modified their cars so they can narrow themselves to get past the barriers for large vehicles.

Michael Bridges, a failed professional footballer turned bridge aficionado, warned, "If these flash gits keep driving these Idiot Tanks, the old lady's going to give way."

But what's the solution? Some insane maniac suggested improving signposting notifying drivers what vehicles are banned from the bridge and further width restriction, though he was taken away to the nearest psychiatric unit.

When Tony Blair was addressing the public about the crisis in Lebanon he was interrupted by his spin doctors with this latest news. He blurted out the immortal lines, "Fuck Hezbollah, Saddam and Osama Bin Laden this is real terrorism. We shall launch a war against Chelsea Tractors. No mercy will be given, the free democratic world will do as we fucking well say and back our wild adventurism." He then jumped into his Humvee passion waggon with his new husband George Dubya on his way to his 5th country mansion.

"The solution clearly lies in squadrons of tanks, mortars and rooftop snipers annihilating all Chelsea Tractors that attempt to illegally traverse the bridge", said Colonel Lieutenant Corporal Sargeant Percival Cuntington-Smythehurst. "We originally were going to get the Israelis do give us a hand but they told us to wait whilst they're getting a bit of practise in over in Lebanon. If they are anywhere as good at bombing fleeing civilians in rusty old Volvo estates as they are at bombing these huge Range Rovers then we're in for a frightfully jolly good show. For now we'll just have to make do with RPGs, grenades, mortars and pidgeons defaecating on them."

The Albert Bridge himself said, "These fucking Chelsea Tractor really have been giving me the hump recently. The casual racism, snobbishness and prawn sandwiches of their cuntish drivers bloody drive me up the ball. I've been tempted to collapse just to teach the wankers a lesson."

Sources

• Prince Albert's Chimneysweeper "Albert Bridge and its seedy history" The Politburo, ,