UnNews:British hospitals closed to the sick

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

10 January 2008

This unfortunate patient was locked outside to fend for himself after a virus sweeping Britain forced several hospital wards to close this week. Doctors told him he was too ill.

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United Kingdom, Everywhere: - Hundreds of hospitals across the UK have been closed in a bid to slow the spread a contageous vomiting bug norovirus.

HRH the Princess Royal and president of the British Medical Association (BMA) is reported to have told the British public that "hospitals are no place for the sick". She also claimed that doctors have enough paperwork to do without having to worry about people stupid enough to catch a virus either walking or being wheeled through the doors of hospitals across the country.

Norovirus - a winter vomiting disease which doctors fear may evolve into the diluted form of Ebola (also commonly known as Rage as depicted by the film 28 Days Later) - spreads by contact with an infected person, through contaminated food or water, but also by dirty, dirty nurses around hospitals who cannot be bothered to wash their filthy hands.

People struck down by norovirus have been urged not to go to their GPs or turn up at hospital until the symptoms of a sudden headache, eye discolouration and a sudden urge to kill have fully disappeared.

This Black Brummie informs us that the Norovirus is a particularly nasty one this year...

Although affected hospitals are still functioning, they are not admitting new patients or allowing existing patients to leave the premises. Jill Craig, a primary school teacher from East Kilbride in Scotland has been held at Glasgow's Victoria Infirmary for over five days now after visiting her Auntie Agnes who has just had a triple heart bypass. "The doctors tell me it's too dangerous to go outside. They've boarded up the ward doors and windows. The only thing we can see through the keyhole is this little white flag they've erected on the other side in case someone comes by and finds us alive in a months time. We just ran out of food yesterday... no-one came back."

Doctors and nurses believe that the future of Britain is doomed due to the fact an estimated 353 people are catching the virus every minute. Experts fear it may have arrived on a boat at Plymouth just before Christmas. Under normal circumstances it is not normally dangerous but because of an overnight stop in France where the skipper was attacked by an infected and 'possessed Frenchie', the very young, young, middle aged and very old are most at risk of complications from severe starvation, death and in the worst case, diarrheoa.

According to the report, it is also feared that an infected chimpanzee may have escaped from a testing lab near Cambridge which may pass the virus on to other parts of the UK. British citizens are advised to avoid this chimp or anyone else who feels the need to chase after you and vomit in your face. Northlink Ferries are believed to have halted all sailings to Shetland and Orkney and the Western Isles are also believed to be closed. The Isle of Man also issued a statement yesterday claiming that they were at full capacity after a recent influx of English assylum seekers. Oh the irony...

Sources

• "It's here! Ruuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!" BBC, January 04, 2008