UnNews:Britain's Trident plans leaked

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

5 December 2006

HMS Pinafore is one of four British submarines equipped with Trident weapons systems. It sank recently, but don't worry. Its meant to do that.

London, State 50.3 -- Trident, for the last twenty years the UK's ultimate line of defense, has been compromised after a description of the weapon was found on the Internet by a teenager doing research for a school project. According to sources, the information released could allow terrorists to build their own Trident out of surprisingly commonplace materials.

The international community is in uproar over the lapse, and Britain's domestic intelligence services MI5, as well as MI6, MI7 and MI9, have received a public humiliation. MI8 is not humiliated, because it does not exist according to Section 4 of the Official Secrets Act.

The student who discovered the information, Charlotte Zodofv, 13 1/2, was quick to realise its implications. "I was just looking for some background material for my school report on Britain's defence policy and I typed Trident into dictionary.com. I wasn't really expecting anything on such a secret weapon, but it came up with Noun: A three-pronged spear used by a retiarius in gladiatorial combats. I told my mate and before you know it all the kids round here have built their own Tridents. I dunno what a retiarius is though. Or a noun. I don't really care."

Terrorists across the globe are doubtless building their own Trident arsenals as you read this, leading to many Western countries desperately placing orders for US-built Patriot anti-missile defence systems. The smarter Western leaders instead turned again to dictionary.com and are even now thought to be arming themselves with Noun: A person who loves, supports, and defends his or her country and its interests with devotion. Presumably they'll give the Patriot some form of gun.

Sources

• "Trident: Three spikes, three times as powerful" British Bureau of Propaganda, December 5, 2006

• "Chilling analysis reveals three pointy bits sold for every stick bought by Arab world" Scaremongering Press, December 5, 2006