UnNews:Being gay in the NFL - a debate
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
11 February 2014
Neil Pro and Jonathan Con came to the UnNews office to debate the pros and cons of being gay in the NFL. It has to be said that originally Pro was con, and Con was pro, but both men generously accepted to change their opinions when we pointed out that that would be confusing.
Con
I think what's for sure is that's it going to affect his draft, in the short term. Teams are gonna be wary of a gay player getting all that attention - the first tackle made by a gay man, the first fumble recovered by a gay man. It's hard enough to be a rookie if you're straight, let alone being the flag bearer - the rainbow flag bearer, lolz - the trailblazer, the first-time anal guy.Pro
I don't know about that, I think it shows he's a strong character. It sure will cut down on the hazing too. Most stuff that goes on in terms of initiating a rookie is homo-erotic... so the bully boys have been kind of trumped here. This guy doesn't have gay issues, he fucks guys.Con
Let's look at the f-word for a minute. Any kind of speech which involves the phrase, "Let's go out there and fuck them up" is now likely to be received with a microsecond of doubting silence, you know what I'm saying? Like, his teammates will cheer, but there'll be a moment where they're like... er, fuck?Pro
On the plus side, he's 75% less likely to be referred to as 'baby' by irritating teammates trying to jive talk.Con
That's a rotten shame. I think one of the great pleasures of football is being called 'baby' by a black teammate.(Pause.)
Pro
I actually think that having a gay guy out on the line could be intimidating for the other team. Fear is a big part of football - would you be more scared of an ass whipping or an ass fucking?Con
That's a pretty reductive view of homosexual sex, Neil. They're not all rapists, you know?Pro
I'm not saying they're are, but what I mean is, it puts doubt into the offense's mind. I actually think a team could go for a totally gay defensive line.Con
Excuse me?Pro
Didn't the Romans or someone believe that a man would fight harder with his lover alongside him? Seattle just won the Super Bowl with the Legion of Boom - a very close knit secondary. Imagine a defensive line who actually loved each other.Con
Have you seen the homophobic abuse on ESPN noticeboards about this guy? A whole defensive line, gay? The team would be a laughing stock.Pro
I don't know about that John. Think about it - you have the full spectrum of the potency of gay sex: the loving bond with your teammates, and the threat of anal penetration in the minds of your opponents. All it would take is for one gay line to be defensive, and it could change the way football works.