UnNews:Girl's NY Jets trial ends hilariously
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
4 March 2013
NEW JERSEY, New York – Lauren Silberman, the 27-year-old Ivy League student who convinced lots of bored journalists to write about her unlikely trial for the New York Jets, injured herself after kicking two balls, like the little girl she is.
The attention-seeking bitch, who managed to get her master's thesis and start up consultancy firm mentioned on the world's major media sites, first came to the public's attention after she kicked a football through some goalposts on a YouTube video, despite being a woman.
When it was announced that Silberman would try out for the Jets, idiotic readers on websites around the world commented on the story, wondering how a young woman could ever be expected to stop a 180-pound black man making an 11-second kick-off return, without stopping to wonder if a MIT graduate with a sports consultancy firm might have an ulterior motive in getting her name and image plastered everywhere [1] simply by agreeing to take part in a publicity-generating trial for a professional sports team
But the story now has a happy ending: Silberman had to pay a price after all, albeit a small one. She is believed to have incurred a painful foot injury as a result of not knowing shit about kicking footballs.
According to witnesses, she looked nervous as she approached the first ball, placed on the 20-yard line, and "swung her leg like she was kicking with her wrong foot." She kicked the ball into the ground and fell, with the ball ricocheting up into her face.
Undaunted, she picked herself up, and a local reporter continues the tale. "The ball was moved back to the 30-yard line. She must have walked another fifty yards back, then turned and started to run. She gathered a sort of lumbering momentum but never got faster, unaided by her choice of shoes, cute little black high heels."
The stadium fell quiet as the great athlete bounded across the field. "On and on she came, making little clenching gestures with her hands, her nails painted bright pink. She reached the ball and with a triumphant shout of 'SILBERMAN CONSULTANCY SOLUTIONS' gave the ball a painful-looking poke with the toe of her right foot. It looped up into the air for a gain of three yards."
Sore footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Was your Master's thesis linked to by the BBC?
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Leverage, "Lauren Silberman's NFL trial cut short by injury" BBC, March 04, 2013