UnNews:Barney dies of brain tumor
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
5 February 2013
LOS ANGELES, California -- Barney the Dinosaur, who inexplicably became a pop culture icon on PBS in the early 1990s, has died, according to PBS. He was at least 65 million years old.
The much-reviled, grape-colored tyrannosaurus rex -- a longtime smoker and stoner -- died at Cedars-Sinai Hospital of a brain tumor he had been suffering since 2009, which led to the cancellation of his long-running PBS series, Barney & Friends, after eighteen excruciating seasons. He was surrounded by Baby Bop and BJ, as well as members of the Westboro Baptist Church.
His last public appearance was at Comikaze's 2012 Barney & Friends original cast reunion, featuring the former child actors who played Michael, Shawn, Derek, Min, Kathy, Luci, and Tina.
Equally-reviled former president George W. Bush eulogized Barney by saying:
| “ | Barney was a huge expiration (sic) to me and to all of us. One time he expired (sic) me to dress up as him and singify (sic) a speech I was supposed to deliver that night. But it had been a long day and I fell asleep at the podium, just like Barney fell asleep beside that tree during summer in the "Four Seasons Day" episode.
He was big, fat, purple, and loved to sing and dance. His songs were lyrically deep and though-revoking (sic), stuff like "I Love You," "Buckle Up Your Seatbelt," and "I Like to Eat Apples and Bandanas (sic)." The dinosaur was a true poet, just like Justin Beaver, One'd Erection, and that guy who sings "Oprah Gundam Style." Man, I love that song! |
” |
Bush then proceeded to perform the Gangnam Style dance. "This is for you, Barney," he said.
Not everybody had kind words for the prune-colored carnivore.
"Good riddance!" said Fran Kenstein, 46. "I can't stand him. He was on 20 years too long. Now, if they could only cancel Spongebob."
"I hate you! Don't blame me! I'll find your grave and drench in pee!" sang some drunk black guy.
President Obama only offered, "No comment."
Flags will remain at full-staff.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Dudley Dragoon "Barney, purplest dinosaur on television since Dino, dies of brain tumor" New York Daily News, February 2, 2013
