UnNews:BREAKING- Condom Shortage in Eastern Oklahoma
Sunday, September 12, 2021
Update: It is with regret that UnNews must post an update on this article. Since there was a rush to publish online (deadlines being what they are), we did not consider how the headline could be read as a shortage of condoms that break. While we are still unsure why one would want to purchase such an item, the resultant online debate about how breakable condoms are, in fact, at the same supply levels as they were before current crisis has not been lost on us, and it is our wish that this misleading title does not cause the public to reflect poorly on our credibility as a news source.
Tulsa, Oklahoma - The rise in condom use in Oklahoma as an alternative treatment for COVID-19 has left experts confused. "First Hydrochloronique, then Sodium hypochlorite, then ivermectin, now this," said noted Oklahoman Jason White. "I'm really not sure what is going on around here, to be honest."
According to our source (who wished to remain unnamed), local pharmacies have been cleared of the pregnancy prevention device. While experts admit that the birth control is unlikely to have serious negative side effects, the fact that Oklahomans are doing so instead of taking the currently-available vaccine is especially troubling. "It's just decomposing in the fridges, unused," said local hero Billy Sims. "I mean, we should at least go through the supply of that snake oil we bought last year first, right?" (Oklahoma purchased the anti-lupus medication hydrochloroquine last year at the urge of then-President Donald Trump for $2 million, a price considerably higher than market value)
Recently, the FDA issued a request that people just take the vaccine as a virus-fighting measure instead of literally everything else on the shelf. "Oh God, what are they swallowing now?" said FDA Comissioner Janet Woodcock. (Our source said that this was a spurious, unprofessional accusation, as everyone knows that condoms should only be used as a suppository.)
Youtuber Dr. Jack Wang (political philosophy) says this is typical liberal dismissiveness. "Honestly, if you don't know what you're talking about, you should just stop talking. Condoms are well-researched, with over a thousand years of use in the medical field. Recent updates have increased its effectiveness to over 99%. Isn't it time we stop mudslinging, and get back to the real issue driving the COVID epidemic, illegals?"
- Peter Wade "One Hospital Denies Oklahoma Doctor’s Story of Ivermectin Overdoses Causing ER Delays for Gunshot Victims" Rolling Stone, September 5, 2021