UnNews:Americans preparing for Independence Day

SOMEWHERE, UNITED STATES

Sunday, June 30, 2024

The reporter in question, who merely looks similar to Gugu Liberato, a Brazilian bastard.

Despite Pride Month still technically being celebrated as of the creation of this article, most Americans have seemingly forgot about the celebration, preparing for Independence Day,, which they think is the only holiday after Memorial Day. This abnormal switch in focus has being dubbed by scientists as collective amnesia, and they are now claiming that Pride Month is a free PR move for big companies under the guise of advocating for the gays. Seeking to capture this in-between time, we at UnNews have sent one of our finest reporters across the nation to see if anyone cared about the purpose of Pride Month.

This is the transcript for one of the reporter's exclusive interviews, which was with Nickelodeon's former president Herb Scannell. All offensive slurs have been removed, but if you'd rather be more like Patrick Bateman than a sane person, you can find the uncensored version here.

Reporter: What is your opinion on Pride Month.

Herb Scanell: Free merch and clout.

Reporter: So when did you begin obsessing about Pride Month?

Herb Scanell: Well, it wasn't initially to profit off those [REDACTED] [REDACTED]. You see, when Stephen Hillenburg pitched SpongeBob SquarePants to us, we didn't like it when Hillenburg said that the sponge was asexual. However, when we saw that the idea was good, we formally acknowledged Pride Month and let Hillenburg had his show. However, when our ratings began declining, we realized that we could profit off those [REDACTED] [REDACTED] so much.

Reporter: Ok, thanks for the interview.

Experts speculate that the surge of red, white, and blue colors associated with patriotism erased any recent memories even remotely related to LGBTQ people. This has caused problems, as people who have recently come out of the closet to their parents, will automatically be disowned by their parents even if they were originally fine with it. "It's like a cultural reset button was pressed," remarked Dr. Linda Bright, a cognitive psychologist studying the phenomenon. "People are recalling hot dogs and apple pie, but ask them about the significance of Pride Month, and it's as if they've never heard of it."

Some conspiracy theorists are suggesting that this incident was a government plot to suppress LGBTQ+ visibility, using July 4th as a distraction tactic. "It's all a ruse to undermine our progress," claimed one queer blogger, who had a little visit from the CIA before mysteriously disappearing from her home. Regardless, many companies are now ignoring LGBTQ+ people until next June.

Sources

• Forrest Brown "Forecasters say the long July 4 holiday will be a record-setting bash" CNN, June 29, 2024
• AJ Willingham "Whether it’s rainbow capitalism or bad design, LGBTQ people are calling out disingenuous Pride merchandise" CNN, June 5, 2021