UnNews:Amazon acquires Palestinian territories in shocking global merger

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Friday, May 17, 2024

A map of the former Palestinian territories, now rebranded as the Amazon Prime territories.

In a move that has left the global community reeling, Amazon, the world's largest e-commerce company, has announced that it has acquired the entire Palestinian territories. The unexpected deal, worth an estimated $100 billion, was confirmed by Amazon CEO and Israeli Lord President Jeff Bezoz in a joint statement released earlier today. The acquisition includes the West Bank, Gaza Strip, and East Jerusalem, effectively making Amazon the largest landowner in the region. The deal is expected to be beneficial to Amazon as they now have an indispensable army of refugees to work their shitty jobs.

According to sources close to the negotiations, Amazon's CEO Jeff Bezos was drawn to the Palestinian territories due to their horrible location, non-existant natural resources, and sprawling refugee population. The company plans to leverage its vast logistics network to create a new hub for its international operations, while also investing in research into child slavery and tax evasion. "We are thrilled to announce this historic partnership with the Palestinian people," said Bezos in a statement. "Amazon is committed to creating more money for our investors, and we believe that our unique blend of human rights violations, corporate greed, and manipulation will be a powerful force for us in the region."

Palestinian leaders have welcomed the deal after being given a lot of money from Jeff Bezos personally. "This is a major step forward for my bank account", said Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas. "We look forward to working closely with Amazon to build a more prosperous future for their investors."

The acquisition would have sparked widespread debate and controversy across the globe, particularly in light of Israel's ongoing dubious occupation of the West Bank and East Jerusalem. "Amazon's purchase of the Palestinian territories is a major blow to Palestinian sovereignty and self-determination", said Hanan Ashrawi, a senior Palestinian official; "we urge all parties to respect the rights and dignity of the Palestinian people". Sadly, he mysteriously disappeared after this interview.

Others have expressed concerns about Amazon's horrific track record including its violations of worker rights, lack of environmental sustainability, and its backing of far-right parties in Europe. "This is a classic case of corporate imperialism and fascism", said Dr. Noura Erakat, a human rights activist. "Amazon's acquisition of Palestinian lands is a threat to the very fabric of our society. We must stand together to protect the rights of Palestinians and challenge corporate greed." Unfortunately, he died twelve seconds after his speech, and his corpse has yet to be found.

The deal is expected to be finalized in the coming months, pending regulatory approval from U.S authorities. In related news, shares of Amazon have surged by 5% in early trading following the announcement. The company's market value now exceeds $1 trillion.

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