UnNews:2013 UnNews Review: June

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

18 December 2013

June crackled into life with the news that sex-tortoise Michael Douglas contracted cancer from eating out Catherine Zeta Jones. Unlike the sex act itself, Jones refused to take the accusation lying down, and promptly launched an anti-cancerous version of Listerine. (See right.)

It was a difficult month for celebrities, with two deaths making headlines: the somewhat bathetic death of Sopranos star James Gandolfini and the rather more violent passing of the world's oldest man - who choked to death on a ping pong ball.

The world of politics was dominated by one word: leaks. On the 4th of June racist comedian Bernard Manning went on trial for leaking confidential US government documents. A week later, the Guardian confirmed that Uncyclopedia was under surveillance by the NSA. These revelations all came from one man, whistleblower Edward Snowden, who had by this point spent so long hiding in Moscow from the CIA, that he had adopted a Sean Connery accent.

It wasn't all bad news, however. The conflict in Korea showed signs of abating, despite the best photobombing efforts of an intern, the US finally declared an end to the war on terror and a controversial gay exponent of "curing Christians" publicly admitted to having feelings for Jesus.