UnNews:Zeta Jones hits back in cunnilingus war
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
9 June 2013
Beleaguered Hollywood wife Catherine Zeta Jones has hit back after claims by her husband Michael Douglas that performing cunnilingus on the starlet gave him throat cancer - by becoming the new face of Listerine.
The 43-year-old Welshwoman, better known for advertising high-end products by designers such as Elizabeth Arden, turned to the dental hygiene company after hearing that they were about to market a new mouthwash which could combat the bacteria which causes HPV.
A source close to the star told us, "Catherine was mortified by Michael's rather explicit interview, and was convinced everyone was associating her with a pox-ridden vagina. She feels that the best thing for her career now is to appear in adverts which have little graphics which show how a green liquid makes all the bad stuff go away."
Listerine is said to be delighted at the coup, as it marks the first time a Hollywood star has deigned to advertise a mouthwash, and the nature of Zeta Jones' backstory has done the unthinkable - and connected mouthwash to sex.
"This really is an exciting time to be in the mouthwash business," Listerine spokesman Barry Plack told UnNews. "We began developing anti-HPV moutwash in 2010, after finding out that about 1 in 3 young Americans have it.
"The product has gone through the normal testing procedure, and just as we were about to launch it, Catherine Zeta Jones burst into our office and, in a broad Welsh accent, told us that she could give Listerine a little taste of pussy, and give her pussy a little taste of Listerine."