UnNews:Uncyclopedians are 'under NSA surveillance'

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

12 June 2013

PuppyOnTheRadio, real name Dwight Chambers, was said to be concerned after NSA papers linked his Unencyclopedia account to his Facebook page.

Users of Uncyclopedia are having their every move watched by the National Security Association (NSA), an exposé led by British newspaper The Guardian has revealed.

Edward Snowden, a former CIA operative, blew the whistle on the NSA's use of Prism, a computer program, to gain direct access to the systems of Google, Facebook, Apple and other US internet giants, including Uncyclopedia.

"Rest assured, all of your watchlists are being watched," Snowden told Unencyclopedia readers. "You might think that your articles are so bad that no one in the whole wide world would bother reading them, but Uncle Sam is - kicking back with a cigar and a bourbon and seeing if there's anything in what you have to say about Oscar Wilde or Filial Piety which might endanger national security."

Indeed, while some of the other websites cited in the article enjoy a slightly larger user base, Unencyclopedians were far more likely to be psychologically detached than Facebookers, Snowden said. "Preliminary correlations suggest that around one in every 1,000 FaceBook users are potentially dangerous. Whereas, with Unencylopedia, there are less than 1,000 users in total, but a whole bunch of them are freaks."

The NSA's heavy infiltration in the website explains the apparently temperamental behavior of some Unencyclopedians. Long term users of the site have often noticed heavy periods of contribution followed by sudden disappearances or more violent "rage quits". Leaked classified documents now reveal that a lot of Unencylopedians were arrested when their level of writing activity became a cause for concern - and that the so-called "rage-quitting" phenomenon was often a result of the NSA hacking into the user's account in order to explain away any subsequent absence.

Finally, the revelation that there is at least one CIA agent in IRC at any one time led to serious consternation among frequent users, including Zombiebaron, one of the site's veteran users and a strapping young lad of 15.

He told us, "I've carefully built up this image of mystique and brutality around myself, and I don't like the idea of the NSA taking me to court and exposing my true identity. Zombiebaron. Zombiebaron.

"Most Unencyclopedians think I am a Zombie. I hate the idea of them seeing me and realizing I am not one of the undead, although lately my skin has gotten so bad, I might actually be able to convince them I am a zombie."