Troy Williamson
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“Fuck, I dropped it.”
“Fuck, he dropped it.”
Troy Eunich Williamson (born April 30, 1983 in Aiken, South Carolina) is an autistic Wide Receiver for the Jacksonville Jaguars of the NFL. He was drafted with the seventh overall selection in the 2005 draft by the Minnesota Vikings. Most other teams and many fans were confused with the selection, as they didn't see why a team would replace Black Jesus at wide receiver with the league's first double-hand amputee. Troy believed he could replace Randy Moss as the team's best receiver, but he did not know that he actually needed talent to do so.
Playing Like Helen Keller[edit | edit source]
The cause of Troy Williamson's shortcomings at wideout are heavily disputed. Some, including ESPN analyst Todd McShay, suggest that his high selection in the draft was due to an error on the part of chronic pompus-ass and fucktard Mel Kiper Jr. Such faults are commonplace, because despite his high opinion of himself, it has been recently discovered by researchers at the University of Florida that 99.5 percent of the time, Mel Kiper Jr. does not know what the fuck he's talking about. Others claim that the dropped passes on Williamson's stat sheet are due to blindness caused by the lasting effects of Agent Orange, despite Williamson being born almost a decade after the Vietnam War. Keanu Reeves has also been quoted as saying that Williamson lost all hand-eye coordination when Troy was struck in the head by a stray bullet in the Matrix scene when Neo dodged all those bullets from Agent Smith (Williamson had been jacking off in a corner on the roof of the building, as he also suffers from chronic masturbation).
Trade to Jacksonville[edit | edit source]
Brad Childress personally made the decision to trade Williamson to Jack Del Rio and the Jaguars in exchange for Del Rio's ham sandwich with an option for a "Chocolate Snack Pack" in 2012. Childress had become tired of Williamson's repeated offers to fight him and of the fact that Williamson had repeatedly disrupted practice by setting off Brad Johnson's gaydar. However, similar problems arose with his arrival in Jacksonville. He was pulled over late one night during the 2008 season, but was released with a verbal warning when the officer realized that the swerving of his Toyota Prius was caused by the fact that Williamson was forced to steer with his feet, as they are the closest thing he will ever have to actual hands. This was not his first run-in with the law, as he was arrested in a Minneapolis Airport bathroom for soliciting sex form Senator Larry Craig. Troy has recently become uncomfortable in the Jaguars locker room, and not because he is the only black guy with a tiny penis. Richard Collier, the Jaguars offensive lineman who was shot approximately 6E23 times and had his leg amputated, regularly makes jokes about Williamson by saying how he at least has more hands.
Legacy of Obscurity[edit | edit source]
Troy Williamson's lack of football skill has not been a total loss, however. He has starred in several butterfinger commercials, using his now-famous catchphrase, "Fuck, I dropped it". The phrase became famous in his early Vikings days, as he could regularly be heard uttering the phrase to himself when casually tossing the ball into the air to himself. He has also starred in a notorious porn film with fellow Vikings blowhards Demetrius Underwood and Herschel Walker. He has often drawn comparisons to Nelson Mandela, not because he is a political and social leader, but because he should be imprisoned for stealing over $40 Million in salary. He is still an active member of the Jaguars, routinely dropping passes that led to Stephen Hawking being heavily recruited by the team. He has been blamed for every problem that has occured in the state of Minnesota, including the I-35 Bridge Collapse, the kidnapping of the Lindbergh Baby, the Korean War, and the Dennis Green incident of 2010.