Toast Wars
The Toast Wars started in 1832 as a dispute between The Earl of Sandwich and Pope Pius-Rattigan IXVI. The Earl of Sandwich claimed it proper to adorn a slice of fresh toast with marmalade; the Pope preferred to decorate young Catholic boys with toast and whipped cream.
The Opening Skirmishes[edit | edit source]
The question of Breakfast Doctrine came to a head when the Earl of Sandwich petitioned King William the Cretin to outlaw whipped cream when applied either to toast or to young boys. The furious Pope Pius-Rattigan immediately issued an encyclical titled Sum Lactus Juvenalis Et Toast and declared all England excommunicated.
Hostilities mounted. The Anglican Church cautiously suggested toad-in-a-hole with marmalade as a compromise...but the Shadow Minister of Barking ruled the compromise out-of-bounds in the sixth form. Seeing no alterantive, the Pope declared war.
The Pope's savage troops, spearheaded by the Swiss Guard, invaded Ipswich on Palm Sunday, 1834, and in a stroke of luck captured the Earl of Sandwich at once. The army of the Vatican also confiscated 50,000 slices of English toast, which the Pope ordered burned at the stake, and just for the hell of it, they threw in Edward Cullen as well.
The Anglicans, siding with the Pope for once, forced Earl to recant. In the end he was returned to England, and allowed to keep only a small vial of marmalade which he could sniff if he wished.
Boys'n'toast remained a Catholic culinary classic,and also a successful boy band, for countless contemporary clergy.
But the peace was not to last long.
Further Hostilities[edit | edit source]
The Earl of Sandwich bided his time, and when the Pope became distracted by the Maple Syrup Uprising in Newfoundland he struck. At the head of an army of English breakfasters he stormed Italy and took Rome after a fierce bombardment of sweet butter, Scottish soda-bread, and sizzling bangers.
This bold attack caught Pope Pius-Rattigan with his vestments down, and the Earl seized 2000 military-grade waffle irons, 15 metric furlongs of whipped cream, and enough strawberry jam to fill Albert Hall. Thirty thousand French, English, Irish, and Nubian altarboys were liberated from the Pope's boncentration bamps.
Then...the Pope struck back. Calling on French Catholics for support, he quickly achieved a crushingly superior force of French toast, omelettes, and breakfast crepes. The Earl of Sandwich retreated, outgunned and out-syruped. The Pope's French mercenaries, marching on their stomachs, cut off the Earl and prevented him from reaching his ships...and the crucial magazines of powdered-sugar in their holds.
Deploying biscuits and gravy to slow the French Papists, the Earl struck north through the Tuscan countryside and over Apennines. The inventive English used captured tangerines and damsons to make a crude marmalade as they marched, and with this improvised spread and their remaining toast they prepared a desperate counter-attack.
Stalemate![edit | edit source]
But time was running out. The warm Italian weather dried the English bread apace, and the crepes of the French fared no better. Many gunners on both sides found their ammunition either stale and unusable, or crusted and unappetizing.
The clock was ticking.
The two great breakfast armies met at last in a field outside Treviso. But...it was too late. Too late for the breakfast plans of Pope Pius-Rattigan; and too late also for that great breakfaster, the Earl of Sandwich.
It was lunchtime.
Yet Another Toast War[edit | edit source]
This is not a true Toast War but should be mentioned due to the devastating effect on the community around the affected area. It was near Christmas in the small town of Yeastest, Wyoming when 14 small slices of bread were slowly toasting in a shop near the middle of town. A man was roaming the streets drunk with celebrating the Holiday, but as he went past the shop the savory smell rushed over him and he were infuriated with the fact that he didn't have anything that smelled that good. With a beer induced punch he shattered the front window, climbed into the shop and turned the toasters on super-high. He laughed as smoke drifted out of the top of the toasters, but stopped in fright as an alarm went off and an angry built man with a baggette came rushing out of a back room. The man noticed the burning toast with wide eyes. As the man stood in utter shock a crowd of people who obviously were woken up because they were in sleeping clothes, each one sporting blunt weapons.
They saw the burning toast too and became a raging mob filled with the fury of a thosand suns. The crowd and the man with rushed the now terrified drunk man in the middle of the room. What happened next was lost to everyone but those who where there. The next day when the cops arrived the only thing they found was 14 black areas from the burning of the toast but no toast. After further investigation they found out that the citizens of the town rescued the toast but even after extensive repair work they were burned too far and were lost. The town held a burial and now has a memorial where the 14 pieces of toast were lost. The drunk man was never found and evidence of his existence in the shop were nonexistent. No charges were filed for the lost toast and the broken front window. No one in the town will ever forget the events that happened on this day.
The First War of the Toast[edit | edit source]
The First Toast War began about 23.5 years after Edward Toast died. It began when a relative of Toast, namely his aunt's son's wife's son named Stan Wich claimed responsibility for the invention of the first toaster. He claimed that Mr. Toast had come to him after being denied the first time at the patent office. Mr. Wich claimed that he had cut a square out of the fence in his backyard and given it to Mr. Toast to use. However the authorities discovered that the fence in Mr. Wich's backyard was a WOODEN fence and thus his claims were ignored. Angry, Mr. Wich hired an army of extroardinarily stressed out bouncers who proceeded to raid the local stores, destroying all the toasters they found. Eventually the angry toastless civilians formed the League of Toasty Defence and armed themselves with flamethrowers, a tribute to Toast's first attempt at making toast. The bouncers and League of Toasty Defence fought many battles and soon both sides were extremely crippled and unable to fight. The First Toast War ended with no conclusion or winner.
The Second War of the Toast[edit | edit source]
A few years after the First Toast War, the descendants of the League of Toasty Defence and bouncer army (which came to be known as the Anti-Toast Federation, or ATF) got bored of living peacefully and decided to take up arms once again. However this time the bouncers were armed with better weapons than the simple blackjacks that they had carried in the First Toast War. This time they brought with them a new, more powerful weapon which was known as the MGS54. This stood for Machete Gun System 54, a powerful new weapon developed by Freakin' Stupid Weapons Co., a division of Retarded Developments Inc..
The ATF won several battles against the League of Toasty Defence and the League was soon forced to retreat to its headquarters in Mookilala. The ATF soon followed but was confronted with the League's newest weapon, the AG1. This stood for Axe Grenade version 1, which was somewhat volatile and could accidentally explode if bothered by the slightest breeze or bad smell. However the League managed to use it effectively (despite several accidental fatalities) and drove the ATF off. The ATF eventually surrendered and the League signed a treaty with it that declared that no MGS54s were to be made for the next 2.5 years.
The 2.Fifth War of the Toast[edit | edit source]
No one really knows what happened during this battle, but the toasters of Pluto flew in and killed many innocent pieces of toast that day. It is believed that the muffins hired these toaster hit-men.
The Third War of the Toast[edit | edit source]
In ancient Nigerian mythology, there was a god named Qterplix. Qterplix was the god of fake fortune tellers. His prophecy that Miss Cleo would return to predict the return of Nostradamus was incorrect. Nostradamus, however, returned from his camping trip to say that there would be a Great Third Toast War. This was also incorrect. The Third Toast War was not great. It actually simply consisted of a ATF member accidentally tripping a member of the League, and he was immediately punched out and then stabbed in the jaw. The Third Toast War only lasted about 15 seconds.