Tip O'Neill
“No wonder your kid is gay.”
Just the Tip In O'Neill, (May 7, 1912-Present [in Dog years]), was the most prominent ass of his time. In fact, he was the leader of all the asses in your house for 10 years, resulting in the panic of 1987. He was a long-time pinko and caused the fall of the Roman Empire, as well as Bill Clinton's Sex Scandal as he proclaimed in his recently published book The Hill: for Dummies. He was named "Tip" after some dead baseball player because his parents wanted him to be made fun of in elementary school. Some scholars believe this isn't true, and that if it was true, it wouldn't be, but he would be named Fangor. Because of him, Chris Matthews was released among the world. However, John F. Kennedy was eventually assassinated by O'Neill. Other accomplishments include the creation of Tacos and the assassination of Ronald Reagan by Kennedy. The only non-sexual book he wrote was Man of the House, which no one read, but had something to do with politics.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Tip O'Neill was born and raised in the ghettoes of Cambridge, England.
Education[edit | edit source]
He was educated in a Roman Catholic high school, influencing his need to destroy the Roman Empire and thus soldifying the Democratic Party during his years in Congress. When he came of age, he was shipped off to Canada where he was trained in the mystic arts. After years of arduous fighting and log-rolling, he was finally given the title of liberal assassin by the Prime Minister and replaced Canadian William Shatner
in the Five Iron Frenzy song "Oh, Canada."
Music Career[edit | edit source]
At 22 years old, O'Neill had a unfavorable music career. He started out as the pianist in the Christian Rock band Thrice, but people wouldn't stop laughing at his title, so he quit. Afterwards, he was recruited by the band Sublime to play Trombone. Again, people made fun of his title in the band and he quit. Afterwards, he moved to Africa where he tried to learn to play the didgeridoo. After the little African children made fun of him for his title in that career, he went berserk. He then started the genocide in Rwanda killing many people George W. Bush doesn't care about. This event created the basis for the movie Hotel Rwanda. However, O'Neill was offered only a small part which he refused. His part was consequently played by Tim Robbins. Robbins won two Oscars and a Grammy for that part. Depression caused O'Neill to return to America and start a new career.
Children[edit | edit source]
One of his most notable offspring is William Shatner. It is rumored that his mother was from a galaxy far, far away. Crap, that was Star Wars. Well his mom was where no man has bodly gone before....giggity giggity goo!!!
Lord of the Dance[edit | edit source]
Tip O'Neill is lord of the dance. Upon many different times Tip and Chris Matthews dance naked in the cold Arizonian winter while wearing Russian Hats. Its similar to watch 2 rats die.
Chris Matthews[edit | edit source]
Chris Matthews was summoned in 19O'Neill. One day, Tip went to the local hardware store to buy a hammer. Many historians question what Tip needed a hammer for. It is not until MC Hammer comes along and sings Hammer Time. It shows that he knew what was going to be. He knew the true Hammer Time. Well, when he was looking for such a hammer, Tip tipped over ladders and these ladders fell upon his fatty body. One piece of skin was trapped between the ladder and the floor. It was forever lost for Tippy. But luck was with him that Saturday Afternoon because there was an Aurora Borealis overhead and it brought life to the piece of skin. Chris Matthews was then and there born out of a fatty piece of skin. The very first person Matthews saw was O'Neill, so very naturally his first words were "Tip O'Neill". Over time Chris Matthews became obessesed about Tip and thought about him all day and night. It wasn't until he got a job with a TV station where he expressed it full blown. But he felt that he needed more of a medium, so he wrote a book, Hardball describing his love affair with Tip O'Neill. From that moment on the rest is history. AP Government students everywhere now read his book and becomes familiar with the name of Tip O'Neill.
Founder of the Taco[edit | edit source]
One day Tip O'Neill did a backtip on the U.S.-Mexican border and landed on a burrito. The burrito's shape was forever lost. So Tip being the hungrey bastard he is found a stale tortila and put the burrito fixings in the tortilla itself. Thus the Taco was born on a cold and gray Chicago Morning on August 8th 1978.
Congress[edit | edit source]
O'Neill was elected to the United States House of Representatives out of a bet with John F. Kennedy. Tip lost. He then swore off gambling.
In Congress, O'Neill became one of the most prominent Democrats ever. He attacked the President's Johnson and the Vietnam War. He was later called a "Domestic Terrorist" by Tom Delay for that comment.
He become one of the biggest supporters for the Protection of the United States. He advocated much spending for the purchase of condoms. He believed safe sex was the most important thing. The combination of his advocation of contraception and his criticism of the Civil War led to him being called a "Fag" by Jerry Falwell and compared to Representative John Murtha by Chris Matthews.
O'Neill became Speaker of the House in elections following the death of former Speaker of the House Ronald Reagan. O'Neill had bribed his gambling buddy, John F. Kennedy, to commit the act himself. This bribe was perfectly legal and so was the murder as it was an abortion.
O'Neill remained in Congress for the next century and remained speaker of the House for the next seven score years. During that period, he attacked zombie President Reagan, calling him a "douche," a "flaming homosexual," a "pika poo," and "Fugazi on Crack."
Other Accomplishments[edit | edit source]
Tip O'Neill was most known for the work he did in the United States of the Prussian Monarchian Government. He had many other lesser known Accomplisments, however.
The Fall of the Roman Empire[edit | edit source]
In 1875, Jesus was brutally executed by Jon Stewart, Mel Brooks, Natalie Portman, and various other prominent Jews. As a Christian, Tip got really fucking pissed. However, the Jews were smart. According to the Kaiser 14:25-27, "And Tip asked 'Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar?' and the Jews responded 'Pontius Pilate did it! The bloody Romans killed Jesus!'" With this information, Tip went on a quest to avenge his murdered messiah and to Pontius Pilate. Sending secret invitations all around, Tip eventually invited Pontius Pilate and every other Roman on board his pirate ship. Then, when it was least expected, Tip tipped the Roman Democracy overboard and the Romans all died.
The Assassination of John F. Kennedy[edit | edit source]
On one particular Midsummer Afternoon, Tip was able to put his training in Canada to use. John F. Kennedy, his long time friend and former gambling buddy, was about to be pranked on. Using his Mystical Maple Leaf Magic, Tip cast Slowga on Kennedy. Then, Tip Teleported to his sniper rifle a long distance off. Then, using his skills as an assassin, Tip fired a bullet, which missed. O'Neill fled on Mike Berry's Canadian Love Yaht to Washinton D.C. the liberal stronghold of America. Then out of nowhere, Kennedy spontaneously combusted. Tip had finally accomplished his mission as Liberal Assassin.
Death[edit | edit source]
The Tipster died one cold night in Kentuckistan. After a hard round of drinking at the Democratic Convention, he passed out in a gutter. Later that night, a car ran over him while trying to parallel park. The driver was a 15 year old Ashlee Simpson just learning to drive. Unfortunately she was not paying enough attention due to lip synching. Tip was still alive after Simpson hit him. He knew her lip synching secret at an early age. Simpson did not want anyone to know this so she ran him over again and again until Tip was dead.
The death of Tip had many adverse effects. He had influenced so many people, and this drove them insane. Bill Clinton, the only president known to ever have sex, got oral from a fat chick and Barry Goldwater turned into a liberal. In short, O'Neill's death doomed America.