Thunderstorm of 1976
The Thunderstorm of 1976 was the largest torrential downpour of precipitation I have ever witnessed in my life.
I also kicked its ass.
It lasted approximately four hours over Kansas City, Missouri. It was determined to flood the entire Midwest and drown every carbon-based lifeform within Kansas City, and it would have done exactly that if not for my efforts to utterly destroy it.
Oh God, where do I even start. Well, I was sitting at home watching the Royals/Yankees game with Ernesto, our home's gardener. All of a sudden, from outside, I hear, "FFFFFAFFFGHGHGHGAAAFFAAANG'HNNNNGAIUSJULIUSCEASAR NNNNN AAAAAAA ANNNAANAAAAA" Having an experienced ear, I knew it was the sound of fat water droplets descending from the sky and landing upon my roof (also, someone saying "Julius Caesar"). I quickly changed stations to the local news. They were warning everyone to stay inside.
Right about this time my wife walked in. She shouts, "Oh Jon, you big, sexy, well-endowed epitome of man! What are we going to do?!" I simply looked at her, giving her that look of, "Shut up woman, get on my horse."
Hour One
I opened my garage door, perched upon my beautiful white stallion named Amadeus wearing nothing but a loin cloth I had fashioned out of a shoe string and mud flap. Of course, attire was not necessary to me, but the police told me I had to start covering up my penis. I looked with a stare of determination to the ajar garage door. As it opened, a river of water rushed into my garage. It would've swept Amadeus off of his feet, but luckily Amadeus was a Pegasus, so he just flapped his majestic wings and stayed above the water. It was around this time that my head hit the ceiling of the garage.
Hour Two
I woke up in my house, laying on my wife's side of the bed with a bag of ice on my forehead. Apparently I had been knocked unconscious by my blow to the head. The news was still screeching alerts and warning for people to stay in their homes. I'll be damned if any water was going to keep me inside my house. Oh no. I was going to bring war upon the cumulonimbus devilspawn.
I went to my garage, armed with nothing but my gusto, ready to do battle with Apollo himself. There I found him...my noble steed, Amadeus, dead...
Unaffected by such things because I am a man and men don't have tear ducts or emotions, I charged out into the open, leaving my garage and home behind me. Almost immediately I began to be pelted with drops of rain. I was absolutely surrounded, even more-so than the time I was surrounded by a swarm of yellowjackets after I launched a preemptive strike against their nest because I had intelligence that they were developing WMDs.
I began punching and kicking aimlessly at the drops, striking several of them. I channeled all of my chi, fought with all of my might, but it was simply not sufficient. The drops were too numerous. But I did look pretty good covered in beads of water; I think my wife was watching me through the window of our house because I heard an orgasmic scream from inside our home.
Hour Three
I went inside to go give my wife some of my incredible lovejuice. Only after stumbling over our six-month-old son did I notice how incredibly dark it was in my home. Then it hit me. "It" being the bookshelf I had just walked into. It was right around being hit in the face by a falling copy of War and Peace that I realized that our power had gone out due to the storm.
The absence of light was not going to stop me from giving it to my wife. I grabbed her blindly in the dark and just stuck it in her, nice and deep. After about an hour of intense love-making later, I was spent. The power came back on (my lovemaking probably powered the whole city through some metaphysical means) and I noticed I had just sodomized our cat, Mr. Tootles. No worries, there's enough of me to go around.
Hour Four
The rain poured heavier and the wind blew harder. The news was issuing a tornado watch for our county.
Bullshit.
I stepped back outside, armed with my AK47 assault rifle, and fired wildly into the air. The sun began to peek through the clouds exactly where I was firing. I knew I was winning. I unloaded clip after clip of ammunition into the clouds above. I continued this for an entire hour until the clouds retreated to the Northeast. The rain stopped. The air was calm. I had won.
Then I went inside and deadlifted 200 lb. weights for ten hours just to relax.
Fuck...
I need to stop drinking.
