East Midlands

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Statue of Ivahugecock "Give to me your daughter's!"
My mother says it's the oldest outdoor lavatory.

Oscar Wilde on East Midlands

Landlocked in the centre of England and home to the Derby County Football Club, the East Midlands occupies a vital place in English mythology. Little is known of the people of this fabled realm. Once the giants of humanity, they were said to be over 22'ft 3" in height, but constant rain has worn them down to a little under 5 feet. Although it is not well known Oscar Wild claimed to be a descendant of the Midlanders, on his mothers side.

Her backside.

The story goes that this green and squishy land area was the first to peek its mushy bits beyond the quagmire of early Earth. In fact man’s early history opens in the Bible where the sons of East Midlands took as brides the daughters of Man. Their average ejaculation output was equal to the total milk production of one dairy cow. This helped to expand humanity greatly in the early years when contact with homo sapiens where established. The milking of cows today is a gesture of remembrance of those early times.

As God created them before the dinosaurs, they had to pound the Earth themselves which they did by walking in concentric circles around and around their little island land mass. Stonehenge is also their ceremonial shrine of remembrance of that event. Even before they could sleep on anything that was considered hard they slept on top of each other, and are believed to have invented the bunk bed. Flora and fauna in the region was mostly shrub and fern with the trees being seen by David Attenborough after the Devonian period. Fish were abundant, but the early leader Ivahugecock, was the only one who knew how to do it, and retained immunity for over 900 years.

Other forms of survival were the eating of bird life after their appearance in the early Attenborough series "The ascent of Man", as the Cretaceous Period. By using a rag tied to a twig the men would push it up through the top of a small dome made of foliage, and wave it around until the unsuspecting prey was caught by the leg with the spare arm of the hunter.

Modern Era[edit]

In the 1890s the leader of the time Unmadebed, declared Black Pudding the national dish. This had disastrous results with 80% of the population dying of gout. Only 10,000 inhabitants remain today. The People's Republic of the East Midlands in modern times spend the day smoking crack and reminiscing over the old days. The evenings are spent together mulling over ideas for the following years Eurovision Song Contest - an event they have won 8 times!

Points of Interest[edit]

Pastimes of the common 'Midlander' have been argued about for many millenia. One undisputed activity of the local folk is to argue about the naming of airports, and their location within the region; in particular, East Midlands Airport. While considered pointless by many, the residents of Westfield Emporium Derby Division, Shottingham, Ilsen and Leicesesesterer have fought many battles over its naming, easily eclipsing World War II in terms of casualties and goat loss.

Feel the Love, People![edit]

All you non Midlander folk, it is not your fault that you were not born in the promised land, it is your parents fault... they settled in a non democratic area such as Devon... stop with the hate people, like the Beatles once sang "all you need is love" we don't all spend the entire day smoking crack, granny bashing, shop lifting or blogging on pointless sites.... we recycle the most stuff, we have a fair that is over 400 years old, We were home to the original rebel (Robin Hood)...Damn right Black Pudding is the national dish... we had to do something constructive with blood and remains of non Midlanders!