Stages of Grief

What? What are you telling me? Uncle Drew is dead? They canceled Star Trek? Mrs. Buttersworth isn't real? Church membership is down? I lost the Azalea bush in the frost? I'm gay? I didn't pay the phone bill on time? I itch a little bit? Dammit, this calls for the six stages of grief!

Denial

Denial is not just a river in that one country.

They couldn't do this to me! Not after I put together the church pancake breakfast Saturday! No, I won't believe it. I mean, I know that they hate me, but to do it this way...nah, my enemies aren't that stupid. No, wait: it didn't even happen. That would be way too wacky and interesting a story to tell others. I mean, this isn't a horror movie, for God's sake: this is Friends! Well, okay, it's not as good as that... My life is more like Frasier, with high-minded psychological jokes all over the place.

Also, I want to deny a few things while I'm here. I want to deny the holocaust, deny slavery, deny cancer, and deny genocides in Africa. Also, I wasn't abused as a child, and I'm not gay.

Anger

Those. Sons. Of. Bitches. I'll get them for this, when I find them. They'll be sorry they did this to me and my family...and to the other cast members. I feel angry right now, for some reason, and I think that it isn't fair. I am angry at the following people/organizations:

• The World—How come I get all the shit in this life? Look at those happy assholes over there! Oh sure, they're kindergarteners, but I still can't help feeling jealous. The world has slapped me across the face, and it's gonna pay.
• Hollywood—If it wasn't for the loose morals portrayed in today's movies, this might not have happened! As soon as we Republicans conquer the big screen, it'll be morality's day in the sun, and this type of thing can never happen again, especially if we conquer the big screen with those guns we just made legal!
• Mankind—Everyone hates me, huh? Well, I hate them too! They're big ol' bastards. I hope they get molested, stabbed, and thrown out into the gutter, not necessarily in that order. I feel very angry at this group, in spite of me being one of them.
• Rage—If everyone had kept their cool, this wouldn't have happened! If people had just had a chance to sit down and cool off, we could have avoided this tragedy! DAMN IT!

Bargaining

That's quite a bargain.

God, if You could just undo the damage, I would be a much happier person! I swear that I won't do it again! Maybe it's not that bad...maybe I had it all wrong! Nah, it's all wrong. Oh Lord, please take some time from writing new commandments to gaze upon the things I have to give You in return for reversing all the horrible shit that happened!

• Love—I have a lot of love to give to the world. I am not the neglected sociopath living in the abandoned textiles factory whom You saw last year. I have changed, and I will learn to accept people for who they are instead of stabbing them in alleyways. I swear I will love my fellow man!
• Faith—I will have faith in You again. Not like last year, when I sacrificed that one cat to Uthulu. That was only one cat, and if you reverse this horrible tragedy, I'd sacrifice a million cats in Your name. I swear I will have faith!
• Helping those less fortunate—Unlike last year, when I ran the Ultimate Hobo Boxing Championship League, this year will be different. I'll give them money from time to time, instead of just laughing at them and kicking them in the stomach. I swear I will help them!
• Money or Cash—Okay, usually I don't do this, but You seem like a benevolent deity... I can cut You some slack. If You reverse this thing, I swear I'll give to the donation basket. I'll give way more than I usually do. I mean, as a preacher, it's my duty, right?

Depression

Oh, man. There's no hope for me. There's no hope for anyone. I wish they would just up and die! Being sad makes me sick, but there's nothing I can do. Even if I wanted to, there's nothing I could do! Well, there are some options for me, if I'm depressed, but most of them are just so sad...

• Suicide—Probably the saddest of all the choices: I could just cash in my chips. I gave it a good run; however, the world, Hollywood, mankind, and a whole bunch of other stuff just gang raped me before I had a chance.
• Emo suicide—Undoubtedly the saddest option of all: I could commit suicide in a modern fashion. I could dye my hair black and listen to Fall Out Boy before cutting myself. That would be so sad. At least they would all miss me.
• Give up—No question, this is the saddest of all the options. I could just sit in my room with the blinds down, staring at my hands as the sun slowly set over my wrinkled face. Lord, I feel depressed!

Plotting

The masters of the deep.

Okay, God, that's fine. That's fine that You don't want to help me. I can help myself. Now, I need to figure out how to get back at those fuckers. Most people don't realize that plotting is ALWAYS a part of dealing with grief. What types of things should I use to realize my vengeance?

• Sharks with Laser Beams—I know that these are a war crime, but I've already got a few sharks in the attic, and a few laser guns in my antique chest... I think I could make that work. Think of it: As they're about to get in their cars to go to work, suddenly a fuckin' shark comes out and shoots them! Man, that would rock!
• Neutron bomb—I know that it's a war crime to use these, but I have to do something. Think of it: a few minutes after they put their toast in, it pops up at the exact same time that my neutron bomb goes off, killing millions. Maybe that's overkill. Nah, I'm past the notion of "overkill" now. Man, that would rock!
• Cloned Attack Dinosaurs—Okay, look, I know that this is a war crime, but I have to get those SOBs somehow, right? Think of it: when they're at the grocery store asking a clerk a question, they realize too late that what they are actually doing is asking a question to a hungry velociraptor in a white apron. Man, that would rock!
• Eat them—I know that cannibalism is a war crime, but everybody cool has done it at one time in their lives, right? I know I have. I'm jealous of those assholes, with their shiny cars, pretty wives, happy children, big houses, warm demeanors... I want to absorb that happiness. There's only one option now. I need to move on to the next stage of grief.

Acceptance

I guess theirs nothing that I can do about it anymore, so I guess I should just move along. What? You're still here? I've moved on, okay? I got a good job as a preacher! I don't need you anymore, move along. Oh, wait...you're a witness, aren't you? Why don't you stay for a little while, buddy! Just come and sit down... Sit down right over here.