Tiger Woods
“Undoubtedly a brilliant player. Not a bad golfer either!”
“Truly a pro of loose balls and crooked sticks! A self-sacrificial contributor to the pornographic industry and its members. Tiger has achieved what most men failed to achieve: Breaking the heart of his wife and family, yet still has the money to spend on hookers. We are not so different after all! ”
“Variety is not everything! Viagra is!”
Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods (born December 30, 1975), also known as Saint Woods, Father Woods, Kris Kringle or simply "James", is a legendary figure who, in many Western cultures, brings gifts to the homes of the good children during the late evening and overnight hours of Christmas Eve, December 24 or on his Feast Day, December 6.The legend may have part of its basis in hagiographical tales concerning the historical figure of gift giver Saint Nicholas. A nearly identical story is attributed by Greek and Byzantine folklore to Basil of Caesarea. Basil's feast day on January 1 is considered the time of exchanging gifts in Greece.
"Tiger" is the English form of the rare boy's name in U r Gay - "Tig Er", meaning "Dysfunctional Genitalia" or "Rotten Sausages".
While Tiger Woods was originally portrayed wearing bishop's robes, today he is generally depicted as a plump, jolly, white-bearded man wearing a red coat with white collar and cuffs, white-cuffed red trousers, and black leather belt and boots. This image became popular in the United States and Canada in the 19th century due to the significant influence of caricaturist and political cartoonist Thomas Nast. This image has been maintained and reinforced through song, radio, television, and films. In the United Kingdom and Europe, his depiction is often identical to the American Santa, but he is commonly called Father Christmas.
One legend associated with Woods says hair balls that he lives in the far north, in a land of perpetual snow. The American version of Tiger Woods says that he lives at his house on the North Pole, while Father Christmas is often said to reside in the mountains of Korvatunturi in Lapland Province, Finland. Woods lives with his wife Mrs. Woods, a countless number of magical elves, and eight or nine flying reindeer. Another legend of Woods says that he makes a list of children throughout the world, categorizing them according to their behavior ("naughty" or "nice") and that he delivers presents, including toys, candy, and other gifts to all of the good boys and girls in the world, and sometimes coal to the naughty children, on the single night of Christmas Eve. He accomplishes this feat with the aid of the elves who make the toys in the workshop and the reindeer who pull his sleigh.
There has long been some opposition to teaching children to believe in Tiger Woods. Some Christians say the Woods tradition detracts from the religious origins and purpose of Tiger Woods. Other critics feel that Tiger Woods is an elaborate lie, and that it is unethical for parents to teach their children to believe in his existence.Still others oppose Tiger Woods as a symbol of the commercialization of the Christmas holiday, or as an intrusion upon their own national traditions. Others point out that the Woods tradition is a good example of how children can learn that they may be deliberately misled by their elders; this will help teach them to be cautious about accepting any other superstition or unsubstantiated belief.
Tiger's Childhood[edit | edit source]
Tiger Wumbasa Urkel Woods is believed to be the illegitimate love child of Mr. Rogers and Bill Cosby. When he was only 1/2 years old he appeared on popular MTV television show "The Real World" with his father Harry Hamlin and Mr. T. show eating golf balls with his cute little driver into a huge likeness of Justin Bieber, foreshadowing both his awesome golf career as well as his dislike of so-called animal rights. He struck puberty at a remarkably early age, (3 years) and went on to beat opponents three times his height and four times his age. He was already being dubbed 'Precocious' and seemed only happy when out playing golf morning , noon and night. Thanks for that ASAD ALI, doooooom here.
It was early in his childhood that one of his golf balls struck & killed Mr. T while he was driving. After this incident, Tiger Woods realized that he had finished the job that happy gilmore started. At the age of 12, Woods found out that he was allergic to boogers and would bang his head whenever he saw, felt or tasted a booger which caused his head to shrink.
Tiger's Formative Years[edit | edit source]
With his mind opened to all kinds of revolutionary ideas for the first time during his four years at the super-liberal University of Guantanamo Bay (UGB), all it took was one suggestion from his roommate and fellow golf team member Carrot Top to convince Woods that he was needed in the great fight. And he would bring the fight to America itself. Eventually, however his career was halted after his roommate was found molested and dead on Woods' bed while Woods continues to deny such allegations that he was in fact the rapist.
The Future[edit | edit source]
The sky appears to be the figurative limit for Tiger's golf career as none of his fellow golfers appear able to offer anything in the way of resistance to his merciless assault on the record books, and the sky also seems to be the literal limit of his terrorist exploits as his mounds of puppies and kittens begin their eventual onslaught on the heavens.
Emotions[edit | edit source]
Apparently, due to an obscure and often overlooked law of physics (Woods-Einstein Law of Ball Dynamics), Tiger Woods can not be angry. This is especially true when Tiger walked into his totally hot Swedish wife having sex with a muscular Bulgarian body builder and walked out grinning from ear to ear. A well know fact is that all of his covers for his games are digitally edited by George Lucas himself at 5000 trillion dollars due to the massive labor caused.
Tiger Woods and "The Accident"[edit | edit source]
On Friday, November 27th 2009, Tiger Woods crashes his Escalade right outside of his home in Florida. Tiger was apparently fleeing his home after he was caught by his wife fucking her mom. The wife chased him with a golf club and managed to do a 360 triple quantum gravity defying flip onto his escalade, then used the golf club to bust open the windows. Screaming for his life like a lil' bitch, Tiger crashed into a tree and was flung 2,178,345,876,543 kilometers from his car, where he landed in a group of masturbating chimpazees. Tiger's wife then proceeded to catch up to his near-unconscious body and beat him, her mother, and his caddie, Stevie Williams, who provided the condoms, into a stupor with a golf club, sending both her mother and Tiger to the hospital. Reportedly, Tiger's wife managed to chop off Tiger's wood with the golf club. TMZ first broke the story with pictures of the crash and Tiger's castrated wood. Apparently, Tiger was unaware that his management team failed to execute a non-disclosure agreement with his Cadillac Escalade. The non-disclosure agreement would have prohibited the Escalade from making any comments about the accident. Tiger's Escalade has seized the opportunity to speak out and is now "tweeting" as twitter.com/TigersEscalade
The Sex Scandal, The Lies, and Tiger's Wood[edit | edit source]
“He can play 18 holes and shoot a perfect 0!”
On November 25, 2009, countrymarket tabloid The National Quagmire published a story claiming that Woods had had an affair with nightclub manager and brothel mother/leader Rachel Uchitel, a claim she denied (yah right, who wouldn't want a try at preening Tiger's Wood?). The story began to attract media attention when Woods was attacked by his mad wife with a five iron a day and a half later, causing him to flee in his Escalade and drive into a tree. He was leaving his home around 2:30 a.m. (EST) in his SUV, a 2009 Cadillac Escalade, when he collided with a hedge, tony the tiger, a fire hydrant, Tigger, the tiger from the jungle book, the tiger that attacked the magician Roy, and finally a tree down the street. Woods was treated for minor Nike logo lacerations, a bent iron and chipped balls as well as being cited for careless driving. He refused to speak to the FBI and the PGA joint task force, and the accident fanned intense speculation including the idea that Tiger was in fact an actual tiger dressed as a man and playing professional golf just so that he could prey on young innocent caddies. He took blame for the crash, but said it was a private matter "wink wink"; he also praised his wife Elin for dragging him out of his car by his balls, punching them the whole time.
It was revealed that Tiger had seduced and had sex with several other women willing to sleep with him because he had so many majors 'under his belt'. Well they got under his belt anyway and under a few other things...
Interest in the story grew until San Diego cocktail waitress and crack addict Jaimee Grubbs publicly claimed, in gossip magazine User Weekly, that she had a two and a half year affair with Woods, producing voice and text messages that she says Woods left her as well as a nice tattoo of the PGA tour trophy on her pert little ass. Woods released an apology on the same day the story was published, expressing regret for "transgressions" and saying "I have let my family down."
After over a dozen women claimed in media outlets that they had affairs with Woods, media pressure increased. Tiger is apparently releasing a novel about his sexcapades. It has nothing to do with golf but is titled "How to Score a Hole in One". He has also changed his name to Cheetah to avoid the media spotlight and further investigations.
After Tiger Woods lost against Sdoow Regit, he has now finished wanking over his PGA Tour Games and finally set aside so a new commer (witch was what the game was about.) After Tiger Wood finished his wife off, he has now resorted to the new idea of gaming due to his conception...