Russ Feingold

Russell Dana "The Machine" Feingold (born March 2, 1953) is an American politician from the U.S. state of Wisconsin. He is reportedly the leading communist rabblerouser in the United States Senate, according to Fox News, Dick Cheney and Oscar Wilde.

Feingold is most known for co-authoring the McCain-Feingold Act with Sen. John McCain.

I'd like to say it's a play about sex with furries, but it isn't. Feingold heroically stopped McCain from writing a play about sex with college students in animal costumes, even though McCain could have totally gotten away with it because everything he does is labelled 100% Genuine Awesome by the media.

Instead, McCain-Feingold limits campaign spending to money acquired from the Freemasons, Jews, celebrities, Satan and Big Tobacco.

Feingold is frequently mentioned as a possible candidate for President, although some insiders speculate this is just a slur to ruin his good name.

In 1996, Feingold was vote the Jew with the Most Redneck Name in the World. He has held onto the annual award in every year of voting since.

Origins

Feingold was born in Wisconsin. Yes, there are Jewish people in Wisconsin. Seriously. There's even an indigenous Jewish population in China, so really Wisconsin isn't THAT much of a reach.

Wikipedia says, "As a child, Feingold greatly admired John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Jr., and Robert F. Kennedy."

Right. Sure. Bullshit.

When I was a kid, I admired Optimus Prime. I dreamed of getting an arm cannon like Megaman had, or laser eyes like Cyclops. (Hey, assholes, give me a break, I was kid! I didn't know Cyclops wasn't cool!!). Sometimes I would enact rape scenes with Scarlett and the Baroness getting gang-raped by all the G.I. Joe figures I owned. And I frequently peed in the bathtub.

I'm sure when Russ Feingold was a kid, he admired Krusty the Klown, Cowboy Woody, Howdy Doody or whatever the fuck was on television back then.

After a trip to Chicago at the age of 16, Feingold got to smell fresh air that didn't smell like the ass of a cow.

Amped on the smell of a world that didn't smell like a rotten compost heap, Feingold resolved to not return to Wisconsin until he was powerful enough to kill all the cows.

Feingold disappeared into the drug culture of the early 1970s. Not that hippie shit. That fucked-up, degenerate Hunter S. Thompson shit. The stuff with fluids extracted corpses and underage girls.

Early political career

During a really bad trip, Feingold accidentally got caught up with a group of people canvassing for grassroots candidates in Illinois.

By the time he sobered up, it was too late. The rat bastards had tricked him into being a member of the Democratic Party.

The Democrats politely told him he could continue to do drugs and be a pain in the ass as long as he danced around like a moron and pretended he really cared about dead civil rights leaders. Feingold answered: "But, I still get to do drugs, right?"

Feingold soon made peace with his demons. As it turns out, making peace with demons is how you get money to run a political campaign for anything better than dog catcher.

Feingold returned to Wisconsin to run for Senator. He ran on the "Don't be a sow, hug a cow" platform. During the 1992 election, Feingold set a world record, hugging over 75,000 cows in less than a year.

Feingold ran a cow-loving -- but never cow-fucking -- everyman. Feingold promised to only take campaign donations from cows, directly from the mouths of cows. This became an issue, as the cows ate most of the money. Cows chew on everything. They're like that.

Feingold won the 1992 Senate race by 16%, carrying a whopping 78% of the cow vote, 62% of the Negro vote, and 48% of the armed white vote.

Senate career

Feingold immediately made an impact in the Senate.

His first act as Senator was to demand the immediate surrender of the United States to Soviet Russia. At first this provoked outrage, until Sen. Orrin Hatch hollered, "Hey Russ! Buy a fucking TV with cable! The Soviet Union went kapputnik two years ago!"

Undeterred, Feingold continued to press forward with bold legislation. In 1995, he demanded the unconditional surrender of the United States to Cuba. This incident was defused when Sen. Trent Lott pointed out there was no way we could fit the U.S. into Cuba without dumping Ted Kennedy overboard first. A number of Republicans said they would support the surrender if it meant getting rid of Ted Kennedy. Several Democrats also supported the measure. Feingold withdrew the bill.

Feingold was re-elected in 1998, running on the two cows platform, offering recognition of all cow marriages, including those by bull queers.

In 1998, Feingold demanded the immediate surrender of the United States to Yugoslavia. The bill passed by a margin of 96-3 with one abstention. However, the bill was overturned by the Supreme Court, after it was determined that America cannot legally surrender to anyone according to several country music songs.

In 1999, Feingold introduced the Protection of Bovine Matrimony Amendment, ending the practice of forced marriages of cows arranged by farmers. The Amendment became the 32nd Amendment to the U.S. Constitution in 2002.

In 2001, Feingold reluctantly decided not to offer America's surrender to Afghanistan, after several cows told him how much it would suck to live under the Taliban.

In 2003, Feingold unsuccessfully called for America's surrender to Iraqistan.

In 2005, Feingold bravely stood up against the nomination to the Supreme Court of Samuel Alito, calling him a "hard-line right winger". This was proceeded by Feingold voting for hard-line right winger John Roberts to provide him with the political cover needed to vote against Alito.

In 2002, the McCain-Feingold Bill passed the Senate. The bill phased out all campaign contributions except those from cows, communists and communist cows. The move was believed to be the first step by Feingold toward cementing a run for President in 2012 or something.

Rise of the cows

In 2006, Feingold demanded the official surrender of the United States to Wisconsin. Winsconsin dutifully accepted the surrender of the U.S., then promptly surrendered to the cows.

The cows gave Feingold a letter of appreciation, then promptly dismissed him from the Senate.

The cows elects Fidel Cowstro presidente. Fidel's first act as presidente was to abolish all forms of free society that managed to escape George W. Bush. The cows herded everyone into detention centers in Alberta, formed after their brutal conquest of Canada.

Feingold was beaten to death in the Calgary detention center, as people screamed, "It's your fault! How could we surrender to animals that stand in line while being slaughtered?!"

Quotes

• "I was misquoted...I did not endorse Leninism. I endorsed Stalinism with free hot dogs and balloons for the kids."

• "Yeah, I'm down with that, soul brother!"

• "Wisconsin has a great tradition of cheese...err, progressive politics."

• "Run for President in 2008?...No way, Tim. Hillary has those pictures of me with that Guernsey outside of Madison."