Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac

What's that? You don't agree with His Excellency, President for Life Robert Mugabe's official policies? You're trying to undermine Zimbabwe and her precious democracy, aren't you? TRAITORS TO THE REVOLUTION! WHITE IMPERIALIST PIGS! GUARDS, GET 'EM!!!

Robert Mugabe uses unorthodox bowling style. This way he also got his office and took over Zimbabwe Cricket

“Robert Mugabe is the best cricketer of all the time! If you deny that, army will kill you!”

~ Rhodesian citizen is referring to Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac

“That goal kick deserves a double six!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Robert Mugabe's Batting

His Excellency Robert Mugabe has been fan of the game of cricket since he had seen it on black and white TV in 1980. He fell in love with cricket because he enjoyed long duration of every match. He would stay at his friend's home and watch test matches whole days.

Eventually, Robert Mugabe became the glorious leader of the Republic of Rhodesia. Because nothing in the country was worth of money investments, His Excellency decided to donate Zimbabwean Cricket.

Unfortunately, Robert Mugabe stated that he can decide about everything connected to cricket in country just because of his generosity. He started from forcing the coach to call black-Zimbabwean Players into the squad. But even those not involved in cricket could see ruining results of this policy. Best players were retiring all the time due to interference of Robert Mugabe in cricket and introduction of the anti-white policy.

As a result, Zimbabwe remained with a squad full of black players that were not able to even bat properly. In 2004 Robert Mugabe decided to introduce himself to Zimbabwean cricket team as the captain and the Leader. Five years later he summarized his efforts in the African bestseller book Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac.

History of the book

Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac was released on April 2009 in 45 million copies. Reason of that was Zimbabwean economical problem. By selling his book, Robert Mugabe wanted to repair his own, private budget. And as we all do know, private budget of Zimbabwean president is actually also a national budget of the country.

Unfortunately for Mugabe, his staff made a huge mistake as the book was released with price in Zimbabwean dollars. Price on the first day of sale was circa 2'000'000'000'000'000'000'000'000 Zimbabwean dollars per book and that increased to about 3'500'000'000'000'000'000'000'000 after first seven hours after premiere. The problem was with exchange rate as it was worth equal to about 0,42$. Book has been sold out before midday causing losses for newly created Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac Company.

Who bought the book?

There were two kinds of buyers of Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac. The first one were cricket statisticians, cricket lovers and Pakistani cricketers as they usually feel an unexplainable urge to obtain any book concerning cricket. Statisticians and lovers just because they like to read about their favourite game, and Pakistanis because they counted on being mentioned in the book. Unfortunately, they weren't mentioned.

What is in the book?

Robert Mugabe batting for six during ODI against Bangladesh. Some that claim that this photo has been photoshopped are wrong; it has been corrected in paint because nobody in Zimbabwe was able to do it in Photoshop.

Book, in its original format, has 4'000 pages and is divided between many chapters.

First chapter titled Robert Mugabe is da best cricketer of all the time has 2'479 pages. It includes biography, photos, statistics and achievements of Robert Mugabe. Also, it describes ball-by-ball commentary of all Robert Mugabe's appearances.

Second chapter titled Zimbabwean test side is considered to be the most awesome of all test sides and that's all because of Robert Mugabe has 509 pages. It includes all scores of Zimbabwean test side accurately corrected by Mugabe.

Third chapter titled Zimbabwean team at its best. Thank to Robert Mugabe. has 1561 pages that includes full scorecards and statistics of all the matches and all the players in the Zimbabwean history written in Arial Narrow font no. 5.

Fourth chapter titled List of Robert Mugabe's and Zimbabwean records has 100 pages and includes full list of first-class cricket records which, according to the Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac, is dominated by Robert Mugabe and Zimbabwean Test Side

Fourth chapter titled India team is the second best team in the world and this chapter has been put here just against fucking Pakistani (this mention of them is not counted towards mentioning of Pakistani) has a page and has found its place in the book just because of Mugabe's unexplainable hatred towards Pakistan.

Robert Mugabe's appearance in Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac

Robert Mugabe has been shown in his Almanac as da best cricketer of all the time. According to the text we can learn that despite the fact that Robert Mugabe joined team in 2004, he is in fact responsible for all Zimbabwean successes in the cricket history, including those that happened before he was born.

List of first-class cricket records according to Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac

Team scoring records Innings and 1000 runs. Zimbabwean Test Side beat Bangladesh in their first test after a suspension. It's bullshit! Bengalis has beaten Zimbabwean by 226 runsCensored by Robert Mugabe.

Greatest margin of victory by runs 5'000'000'000 runs. England beats Zimbabwe Zimbabwe beats England Censored by Robert Mugabe

Lowest totals 6 runs. Zimbabwe lost to Bangladesh Australia lost to Robert Mugabe by 560 runs in a single-wicket contest. Censored by Robert Mugabe

Highest individual score 5'000'000'000 runs. Robert Mugabe against England in the already mentioned match. What kind of retard made it up?Robert Mugabe

Most runs in career Uncountable amount of runs. Robert Mugabe of course. Why am I not surprised?Because I'm the best. Robert Mugabe

Highest career average 0 ERROR. Robert Mugabe (as above)

Most runs in an over 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6. By Robert Mugabe in the endless over against Michael Holding I assume that there were too many balls in that over. Geoff BoycottOh really? Censored by Robert Mugabe

Most centuries China. 670 centuries. Zimbabwe. Does he know that the century refers to 100 points in an innings?Fuck off!

Most wickets as a bowler 9'999. Robert Mugabe. Jesus Christ...What I say is the truth!

Most stumpings 9'999. Robert Mugabe. You know that you can't bowl and keep the wicket at the same time? And even if you could, you would need real century to gather score like that...<huge>I WILL FIND AND KILL YOU!!!</huge>

Goofs... Uh... The real facts included in Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac and approved by ICC

This photo shall prove that Robert Mugabe played cricket from his earliest days. Here he plays for Mashonaland against Northerns in the Junior League of Rhodesia

1. Zimbabwe is a full member of ICC.
2. Zimbabwe is not inactive in tests.
3. Zimbabwe actually won T20 World Championship. Every two years since 1889 and Mugabe was the MVP of all those tournaments.
4. Zimbabwe also keeps The Ashes since the tournament was set off.
5. Zimbabwe is the only team in the world that lost won test series 5-0 against every possible team.
6. Zimbabwe has lost just once in its history. They lost ODI to North Korea in 2005.
7. It was also the only match ever in which Robert Mugabe has not been chosen the man of the match. This time it was Kim Dzong Il.
8. Eddo Brandes was not fat.
9. Robert Mugabe is the only player in history able to play as batsman, bowler, wicket-keeper, fielder, 12th man and supersub at the same time in a particular innings. In an ODI against Uzbekistan in 1997 he was batting against his own bowling in Uzbekistan's innings. Moreover he stumped himself as he kept the wicket at the same time. This way he was able to get dismissal written in scorecard as RGK Mugabe st. †RGK Mugabe b RGK Mugabe 0 (1m 1b 0x4 0x6) SR:0,00. It was his only golden duck in career.
10. His second duck came in the first innings of ODI against North Korea as he was intimidated by Kim Dzong Il's beamer.
11. He also got only one dismissal for one in the first innings of the test match against Malawi. Mugabe got bowled by a just-born baby which he did not strike with bat and therefore let it land on his wicket.
12. Robert Mugabe is so awesome that he is the only cricketer that got dismissed in every possible mode of dismissal, including hitting the ball twice, mankad and retired out.
13. He got out because he wanted to collect those outs.
14. Despite of Robert Mugabe's anti-white policy, he actually likes Brendan Taylor and lets him play as a 13th man (as Mugabe is the 12th man, as we mentioned).
15. Robert Mugabe was scoring only boundaries during his career. Singles were too common for him and therefore he never ran for it.
16. He never ran because he was a lazy black fat bastard.WHAT'S THAT! YOU DO NOT AGREE WITH ROBERT MUGABE'S POLICY!?!? KILL HIM!!!!
17. Zimbabwe does not use racial quotas in teams.
18. Zimbabwe has the biggest cricket stadium in the world. Zimbabwean savanna west of Salisbury Harare is the most commonly used cricket ground by the Zimbabwean Test Side. Getting boundary there is possible only for Robert Mugabe (it's six wherever he bats; even his misses and leaves are counted towards boundaries and as 6 to the team score) and, incidentally, Kevin Pietersen (who is just fucking best) and maybe Kieron Pollard could make it if he wanted to come to Harare. However, scoring boundary risks attack of wild animals.

Scorecard of famous ODI against North Korea

Because North Korea is lack of cricket stadium, an ODI between Zimbabwe and North Korea has been played on Kim Ir Sen square. Match has been attended by 400'000 North Koreans. That was most crowded match in the history of cricket. Unfortunately there is no evidence or photo from that match that could prove this.

Actually there is no evidence in ICC that North Korea and Zimbabwe ever played cricket. But Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac shows scorecard of the match that took place in Pyongyang. Some say that bad performance of the Zimbabwean team was a result of 500 guns aimed towards Zimbabweans by the North Korean army.

Zimbabwean innings

Zimbabwean batting

1. RGK Mugabe LBW b KD Il 0 (2b)
2. T Taibu† LBW b HS Lee 1 (6b)
3. H Masakadza c&b HS Lee 0 (1b)
4. E Chigumbura LBW b HS Lee 0 (1b)
5. P Utseya c HS Lee b HS Lee 0 (1b)
6. CB Mpofu c HS Lee b HS Lee 0 (1b)
7. KM Dabengwa st †HS Lee b HS Lee 0 (1b)
8. BRD Taylor run out 1 (0b)
9. F Mutziwa b HS Lee 0 (2b)
10. CJ Chibhaha b HS Lee 0 (1b)
11. V Sibanda not out 0* (1b)

North Korean bowling

1. KD Il 1-1
2. HS Lee 6-0
3. HS Lee 2-0

Korean batting

1. KD Il not out 6* (1b)
2. HS Lee not out 0* (0b)

After the match, Zimbabwean called that match Early Morning Over and therefore became EMOs. Some statisticians claim that scorecard of the ODI against North Korea may be actually the only true information in Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac. But other say that Zimbabweans might just have made it up because never-losing teams are so cliche.

What the hell!?

“Even Bible does not include so many lies”

~ An atheist on Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac

You may ask how it happened that Zimbabwe is the best team and Robert Mugabe actually IS a cricketer. Well, answer is very simple. The book is full of bullshit. There are few (if any) true informations included in the book. The fun fact is that book actually has been approved by ICC. Even more funny is that they kept their decision even after they had finally read the book.

Influence on the world

Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac can be found in many random places around Harare. The People of Zimbabwe often use pages of this book instead of toilet paper. Actually, many books were printed on toilet paper because Robert Mugabe had had no money to afford more normal paper.

1. So Zimbabweans became cleaner in THOSE parts of the body

Book has been also exported to Pakistan (as we have already mentioned). Pakistanis were furious due to the fact that they have not been mentioned in Almanac but India has been. Therefore they challenged India for the test match where they brought back forgotten bodyline strategy what resulted in serious injuries of VVS Laxman, UWMBCA Welegedara and HMRKB Herath. However, Pakistani were so focused on getting Indians hurt, that it resulted in their loss by an innings and 904 runs. The frustrated Pakistani killed several inhabitants of Bangalore but they escaped safely to Pakistan. Diplomatic relations between Pakistan and India seriously worsened ...

2. So Pakistani and Indian diplomatic relations aggravated

In an American version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?, Andrew David Johnstone from Southern Texas was answering the following question for a million: Who scored most runs in their first-class cricket career? Possible answers were: A. Jack Hobbs B. LRPL Taylor c. Sir Don Bradman and D. Sir Robert Mugabe. Andrew David Johnstone had no idea about the game of cricket and used his last lifeline Phone-A-Friend and called to his Zimbabwean mate Julius Matsikenyeri who obviously read the Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac and suggested D. answer Sir Robert Mugabe. Andrew David confirmed his answer and his final and definitive answer was D.

Regin Philbin just bursted into laugh and fell off his chair. That was a wrong answer and Johnstone won just 25'000$.

3. So Robert Mugabe's Cricket Almanac had the influence on the United States. Nothing Zimbabwean has ever achieved such a feat.

Conclusion

Robert Mugabe is the biggest megalomaniac in the world so he needed a narcissistic book full of bullshit lies about himself.

He had been nominated to Why didn't anyone think of that before?! award in 2009 for writing this book... but he has lost.

See also

• Rhodesia
• Mugabetheism
• Jean-Bédel Bokassa
• Inflation
• Air Zimbabwe