Qatar Energy

Qatar Energy

Qatar Energy Logo.
Type	Pyramid Scheme
Fate	Wasabi Islam
Predecessor	Qatar Petroleum
Founder(s)	Bernard Madoff
Area served	International
Key people	Saad Sherida Al Kaabi
Industry	Organised Crime
Products	Bullshit, qooled gas, slaves, laundered money
Owner(s)	Al Thani regime
Parent	Bain & Company

The executive leadership team

“ We qool gas, so you don't have to ”

~ Qatar Energy on Gas

The Qatar Energy crime family, or Qatar Energy for short, is a crime syndicate based in Qatar that operates an international organised crime that focusses on Fraud, Green Washing, Slavery and the sex trade. In Qatar its primary focus is on waste management and extortion. The legal cover of the criminal organisation is that of an, extremely poorly run, hydrocarbon exploration and production company. The North Field confirmed reserves pyramid scheme is by far its largest source of income.

Hierarchy

The umbrella organisation for the Qatar Energy crime family is the Bain & Company crime syndicate. It was Bain & Company that scouted Kaabi during his aborted education at Juilliard and trained him to become their tool in taking over the sleepy Qatar Energy oil business.

• Boss:His eminence and excellency Saad Sherida Al Kaabi, AKA the Godfather
• Underboss 1: Jassim Mohd Baron Al Marzouqi, AKA Fat Jazz
• Underboss 2: Ahmed Al Amoodi, AKA moody Ahmed
• Consiglieri: Christophe de Mahieu
• Capo Waste Mangement: Mohamed Salem Al Marri, AKA one eyed Ali
• Capo Sex trade: Khalid Mohamed Baron Al Hitmi, AKA horny Cal
• Capo Slave trade: Ahmed Saif Baron Al Sulati, AKA Ahmed the terrible
• Capo Qatartheid and extortion: Abdulaziz Mohammed The Marquis of Al Mannai, AKA Pik Al Botha
• Book keeper: this potentially powerful position is always occupied by a harmless neuter with elaborate facial hair.

Business Model

The crime syndicate hides behind a façade of a ligitimate, but incredibly incompetent, oil and gas busines, Qatar Energy. This operation is housed in Qatar Energy District, in Doha. A self-sustaining village designed by famous Qatari architect Mohammed Al Potemkin.

QP District; It is not clear what goes on inside, but it involves a lot of Toyota Land Cruisers

The crime business revolves around the following pillars;

The North Field Confirmed reserves pyramid scheme

This is by far the most important part of the criminal business units and the area which propelled the current godfather to his position as head of the family. A few decades ago Qatar discovered a large gasfield which it was too incompetent to exploit. However with the help of some white people it soon started making some money. The field was quite large and when Qatar unlocked the skill of qooling natural gas good times appeared to be on the horizon. However it was it this point that the Bain and Company syndicate activated their mole, Saad Kaabi, and started to muscle in on the legitimate business. By taking advantage of the numerical illiteracy of anyone of any importance in Qatar and the moral vacuum at the heart of the international oil and gas companies Saad kept on discovering more gas in the North Field, investments in which would pay for more discoveries. Not surprisingly every new discovery lead to a promotion and in 2014 Saad Kaabi took over the legitimate business and turned it into a cover for the North Field pyramid scheme. At the moment the claimed confirmed reserves (2000 Tcf) stand at roughly 8 times that of the actual proven reserves and contingent resources (250 Tcf), and still the prolific geological Cloud Cookoo formation keeps on giving. Part of the success of the pyramid scheme is a deal between QE and the major international oil companies where they invest in each other's failures to launder money at the expense of pension funds in the rich world. Also key to the succes of the scheme is the incredibly succesful campain to convince the world that qooled natural gas is clean.

Step one of the cycle: QE buys a useless equity share from a white man

Step two of the cycle: A white man buys into the North Field pyramid scheme

The pyramid scheme is jointly run by the two underbossess of the crime family, Fat Jazz and Moody Ahmed.

The waste management and corruption department

Most of this department is outsourced to India and its business language is Hinglish. The primary role of this department is to convert waste (i.e. the crumbling oil and gas infrastucture) into opportunities to funnel money to the BJP under Mohammed Al Modi and keep Qatar protected by the Indian fecal nuclear umbrella. These contracts are generally funneled through several waste management subcontractors owned by the Qatari nobility, but based in the British Virgin Islands, which take a roughly 50% percent cut. The relationship between the Qatari nobles and Al Modi has not always been smooth and occasionally there have been turfwars .

The sex trade

Not much is known about the sex trade because Islam. However much can be inferred by the fact that it is run by Baron Hitmi, a colossal pervert.

The slave trade

What once was a modest, but very manpower intensive, downstream industry has stopped producing anything that resembles a hydrocarbon molecule a long time ago. Yet the directorate still has a ferocious appetite for Indians and employs many Hutts who communicate with menacing letters that start with "Request to" and end with "Kindly do the needful". The conclusion cannot be avoided that what once was the downstream industry is now a front for a thriving slave trade.

Qatartheid, extortion and career assassination

The Marquis of Al Mannai runs the powerful ideological department for qatartheid and extortion. The marquiss holds a PhD in Apartheid and applied control theory from the South African Institute of race relations and his thesis is required reading for the upwardly mobile males of the local Nobility. Suffice it to say that his bailiwick is to keep the nobility happy, the non nobility quiet and the foreigners neutered and unemployable.

Succession Crisis

Writing in early 2025 it looks increasingly likely that the current Godfather will step down soon to take a new position at the head of another crime family, the catholic church.

This leaves two contenders for the position of boss, Fat Jazz and Moody Ahmed. However both the Al Thani regime and the Bain & Company syndicate have stated reservations to Al Kaabi's choice for his successor. Fat Jazz's girth is growing exponentially and very soon baggage limit restrictions will stop him from travelling internationally, which is a vital skill for the boss. Moody Ahmed's succession is even more frougth. A vain and stupid man, his elevation from dumb muscle to underboss, was made solely based on his absolute loyalty to Saad Kaabi. This is not going to help him win any favours with the board. Moreover Moody Ahmed speaks only primary school level English and has trouble communicating with the Bain and Company overlords when required. Additionally his chosen successor, Ahmed Kafood, has recently started gender reassignment treatment in order to become the Disney princess she/he believes destined to be, which makes him/her ineligible for any position of real authority within Qatari society.

Speculation is rife that Bain & Company may insist on elevating the consiglieri, Christophe de Mahieu, to the godfathership. This would be unprecedented and will surely cause a qatartheid crisis unless cognitive dissonance is cranked up to level 11.

Vision, Strategy and Values

Qatar Energy announces yet another addition to the North Field Confirmed reserves

Vision

To keep the Al Thani regime in power, by any means necessary

Strategy

the five pillars of the strategy are;

1. Keep growing the North Field confirmed reserves pyramid scheme
2. Green wash Liquid Natural Gas, convince the world that qooled gas is clean
3. Promote numerical illiteracy among the Qatari people and our customers
4. Employ the local aristocratic troublemakers in meaningless management positions
5. Provide dumb money to failed international investments of the major international oil companies in return for their investments in the North Field pyramid scheme
6. Operate a profitable local slave market under cover of a fake façade of a large downstream industry. Keep foreigners trapped in Qatar by making them unemployable by real companies

Enablers

the three enablers of the strategy are;

1. Omerta
2. Qatartheid
3. Management Consultants
4. PR Companies
5. Indians and Filipinos

Values

The seven values are;

1. Saad Worship
2. Syqophancy
3. Cognitive Dissonance
4. Wasabi Islam
5. Qatartheid (yeah, we mention it twice, it is that important)
6. Nepotism
7. Numerical illiteracy
8. Dunning-Kruger
9. Vindictiveness

# The ability not to take oneself too seriously- no, just kidding

Awards and Recognitions

1. The qatartheid and extortion directorate was awarded the prestigious Nathan Bedford Forest Cup for contributions to harmonious race relations and deportations by the QQQ in 2017 and 2020
2. The northfield pyramid scheme has been nominated for the Putin Xi Award for Truth and Transparency on multiple occasions but keeps loosing to Facebook
3. The confirmed reserves of the North Field, if they existed and if they were sold and burnt, would contribute to a rise of the earth's atmosphere's temperature of 0.7 degrees Celsius, enough to take it above the absolute maximum allowable level safe to avoid runnaway global warming. Many eminent scientist believe that the entire leadership of Qatar Energy should be awarded a Darwin Award for this incredible feat of cognitive dissonance
4. As with many other large Islamic organizations, QE has been awarded membership of the prestigious club of Franz Kafka compliant companies.

• Glassdoor has consistently rated it as the most toxic large employer in the Middle East after correcting for bots, Indians and other syqophants
• Glassdoor corporate has also qawarded it the prize for best employer in the Middle East

“ We are pleased to qaward the annual award for best employer in the Middle East to Qatar Energy. Only our hinglish reviews are really reliable you know ”

~ Glassdoor on Qatar Energy

Controversies

In 2023 Qatar raised quite a few eyebrows when it tried to bribe Baron Trump with the gift of a piece of Greenland for his Bar Mitzvah and it turned out that the piece of water it bought actually belonged to Canada and that Trump's son was not practicing Judaism that election cycle.