Popcorn horse
“I made some of these from a single grain of wheat, a shoe and lots of lube.”
| Popcorn Horse | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Scientific classification | |
| Kingdom | Animalia |
| Phylum | Mammalia |
| Class | Delicia |
| Order | Tastius |
| Family | Microgallopia |
| Genus | Batterdipus |
| Species | B. frydup |
| Binomial name | |
| Batterdipus frydup | |
| Specifications | |
| Primary armament | Teeth for biting tiny prospectors on the bottom in a comical fashion |
| Secondary armament | Deliciousness |
| Power supply | Deep fryers |
| Health | < 2 bites |
| Mana | |
| Strength | 1 popcorn-horsepower |
| Intelligence | Smart enough to count by stamping its hoof |
| Weight | 1 oz. |
| Length | Snack size |
| Special attack | Heart burn |
| Conservation status | |
| Found in participating fast food restaurants for a limited time only | |
The popcorn horse is a genetically engineered animal created by Dr. Horsival Redenhorser, which is currently being bred primarily by the food industry because it is delicious.
Origin[edit | edit source]
At his birth in 1907, Horsival Redenhorser was diagnosed with what doctors at the time called Redenhorser Syndrome, a condition charactorized by an elongated face, pointed ears, and a taste for grasses. Doctors described Horsival as being half-human & half-some-other-sort-of-beast. As a young man Horsival decided to devote his life to discovering what this half-beast was. After graduating from Preakness High School, he attended Belmont College and Kentuckistan University where he received his doctorate.
In 1931, Horsival began his genetic experiments in a laboratory he built in a creepy abandoned schoolhouse on the wrong side of the tracks. Nearly forty years later, after splicing his DNA with a corn stalk he inadvertently developed the first ear of what is now know as "horser corn". Thinking his experiment was a failure, he pitched the ear into the furnace. Suddenly these tiny four legged creatures started popping out of the fire and scurrying across the floor in flames. After stomping them out, he, naturally, ate one. Horsival was delighted that not only had he discovered the mythical creature he sought his entire life, but they were also quite delicious.
Life Cycle[edit | edit source]
The life cycle of the popcorn horse is complicated. Popcorn horses are born when horser corn kernels are popped over a flame or in a microwave oven. The popcorn horses can then be eaten or planted in ground. When a popcorn horse is planted in the ground, it grows up into a full-sized proper horse called a horse. These proper horses give birth to, or more accurately, crap out ears of horser corn. These ears of horser corn can then be dried and popped over a flame or in a microwave to make more popcorn horses.
And similar to full-sized horses, the popcorn horse poops out the "baby corn" that you're eating right now. That's where that comes from. Nobody knows what will happen if you pop the "baby corn". No one's ever had the courage to try it. Some speculate you'll get even tinier horses. Others believe such an act will release the Four Popcorn Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
Popcorn Horses As Pets[edit | edit source]
Unlike a full-grown horse, the popcorn horse is a quite unpleasant animal. In the wild they travel in 6-packs and gang up on their victims; biting them with their dull, flat teeth. They aren't carnivorous, they're just very, very obnoxious, and there are no records of anyone being fatally attacked.
But despite being known as temperamental little creatures, some people take popcorn horses in as pets. In the late 1980's, there was an underground trend in many urban areas of people "tricking out" their popcorn horses which gained mainstream attention after MTV began broadcasting the show "Pimp My Popcorn Horse" hosted by rapper Xzuberant. The most common practice of the popcorn horse pimping enthusiasts is upholstering their horses, also known as "upholHORSEtery".